Building a home in my own body

“Forgive yourself for not knowing then what you know now”

~ Maya Angelou

These are words that I live by today. Whenever I catch myself beating myself up, I’m always quick to remind myself these words. I remind myself to forgive myself for my past mistakes and where I fell short. I remind myself that at the time, I did the best I could with what I had. These words remind me not to be hard on myself. My old self was less informed then, but she did the best she could to learn and to get my new self where I am today.

There is a heartbroken woman inside of me. I built a home in someone who kicked me out later. I’ve grown past it because there’s more to life than holding onto memories that only cut you. My heartbroken self is scared of opening my heart to love lest anyone ruins it for me, again. Even so, I refuse to let the hurt and pain and bitterness steal my sweetness or make me hate. Bitterness can be corrosive; I don’t want it to overcome me. Rather, I am working on building a home in myself and to decorate it without waiting for someone else to.

There is an overachiever inside of me who occasionally is defeated by failure, rejection, insecurities and negative self-image feelings. She tries to cheat out of these human experiences. She sometimes is weakened by outside perspectives of her. However, I do not want to be bothered by either of these feelings but rather I am learning to sit and acknowledge, feel, address and engage with them. I am not running away from my feelings.

There’s an angry woman inside of me, infuriated by how the world is particularly cruel to girls and women. I am infuriated by how the world fails women every single day by terrifying, restricting and preventing them from living their full lives with the ever-present looming threat of rape and abuse/violence unleashed onto them by men. The injustice and unfairness of being a woman enrages me.

There’s a feminist in me. An angry feminist who is inspired by women who resisted and those who continue to resist. Women who refuse to be respectful and to play nice. Women who refuse to stay silent. Women who are loud and unapologetically claim their space, rights and freedom. Women from whom I continue to learn and let me know that I am not alone. Though I can’t singlehandedly end violence against women, these women inspire and encourage me to do something every day to change the world. To love and support other women in every way I can, to create a safe space for girls and women and the generations after me. To empower girls and women to unlearn patriarchal forced teachings.

Today, I am more informed. My new self is better equipped, more confident and more comfortable with who she is and is becoming. I am equipped better to handle stuff should the same (shit I went through) happen to me. My new self comforts me and keeps me grounded. My old self makes me proud of everything that I have gone through – the pain, hurt and frustration – and mostly, who I’m becoming.

There are still aspects about myself that I don’t know but I’m discovering, learning and building upon them. While at it, I am working towards accepting, building and having loving and healthy connections with my many selves and honoring them. I am working towards building a home in my own body, that I can always come home to myself. Today, I look back at my old and younger self knowing that my mindset and perspective have changed for the better. I have grown. I am growing and becoming.

On Abortion: It’s a human right

I was going through a quiz that I took few years back (out of boredom) and I was horrified by my response on abortion!😱I was religious, with problematic and judgemental views and was less informed. Back then, my perspective on abortion was “it’s murder, which is a sin in the eyes of God”🙄Today, my stance on abortion has changed.

No matter how a pregnancy came about, if a woman isn’t ready and/or doesn’t want to have and raise a child at a particular moment in her life; the pregnancy is unintended and unwanted. Even if a woman consented to have sex, motherhood shouldn’t be a punishment for that. A married mother of 4 who gets pregnant because of contraception failure, a university student who is pressured and coerced by her boyfriend to have sex and gets pregnant, a career-driven woman who isn’t mentally and emotionally ready for a baby; none of them should be forced to keep an unwanted pregnancy. The stability of a woman’s family, the educational aspirations and future of a young female student, the career and dreams of a young professional woman; shouldn’t be interrupted by an unwanted pregnancy. Girls and women should be allowed to make the choice to terminate unwanted pregnancies. A mother shouldn’t be denied the right to decide freely and responsibly the number and spacing of her children, a young student shouldn’t put her education and future on hold, a career-driven woman shouldn’t kiss goodbye any chances of achieving her full potential just because they got pregnant. Motherhood is an option of womanhood and shouldn’t be forced on women. No one should compel unwilling women and girls to bear unwanted children.

In Rwanda, abortion is illegal and criminalized except in cases of rape/defilement, forced marriage, incest, and where the pregnancy poses health risk on a woman’s life. In the past, a court order was required for an abortion procedure to be approved; which sometimes came too late to terminate a pregnancy. Today, the abortion law has been revised and the final decision currently lies with doctors; making it easier and safer for eligible girls and women to have abortions, and will reduce unsafe abortions and their consequences. Although the new revision is a positive step in the advancement and promotion of women’s rights, the law on abortion still restricts thousands of women and girls access to abortion. There’s still the criminalization of abortion. Some young girls and women with unwanted pregnancies desperate to terminate them, out of fear of being prosecuted and jailed for having an abortion; are forced to bring children into this world, most often resulting in child neglect – children growing in destructive environments without the love, care, provision and support that a child needs.

Regardless of the law on abortion, they still happen no matter if they’re safe or not. Data proves that restricting abortion by law doesn’t stop women from seeking and going through with it, rather women are forced to carry unwanted pregnancies to term or to simply seek abortions illegally; often under conditions that are medically unsafe and life-threatening. Also, prohibiting abortion only makes abortion a matter of the rich and classed women with privileges and connections to navigate their way around abortion and not get penalized for having them. The rich can always travel to other places where abortion is legal, access the facilities and care that enables them to terminate their pregnancies safely. Restricting abortion only makes safe and legal abortion inaccessible and unavailable to the poor and underprivileged. It leaves them with no other choice but to opt for the worst solution: illegal and unsafe abortion performed unprofessionally by quack doctors, prosecution and prison. However, abortion shouldn’t be a criminal and punishable offense. Abortions prevent unwanted pregnancies. Prosecuting and punishing women for having abortions is penalizing them for exercising their basic rights. No woman should be jailed because they don’t want a pregnancy.

Abortion is a moral and religious-based argument. Apart from the argument that abortion is murder and murder is a sin and god hates sin, and so god is against abortion; there’s no other argument against abortion. It’s a sin. So what? Aren’t we all sinners in other people’s religion anyway?🤷Even if abortion was a sin, it’s a woman’s decision to make; and hers alone. If a woman decides to commit the sin, it’s between her and her god; after all, one is answerable only to their god and no one else. So, the women who see abortion as morally allowable should be legally allowed and provided the means and access to safe abortions. Those who don’t see abortion as morally allowable have a choice not to have an abortion but also shouldn’t impose their beliefs on other people, interfere in their private lives and prevent them from enjoying their rights and sexual freedom🙅

Legalizing abortion doesn’t mean that every woman will be forced to have one. Rather, the beliefs and conscience of each individual empower them in exercising such rights or not as they see it fit. Decriminalizing and legalizing abortion is recognizing women’s autonomy and rights. It’s removing all barriers interfering with access to health services for women and girls, including sexual and reproductive health. It’s reducing abortion-related complications and death resulting from undertaking illegal unsafe abortions. It’s offering to women and girls health and life benefits. Abortion is a human right. Abortion is about allowing women the right to make choices about when, how and with whom they want to have children. A woman should be allowed to decide to either carry a pregnancy to term or seek an abortion to terminate it. Abortion is a woman’s individual choice, only she can decide whether or not; at any given moment in her life, she is ready to have and raise a child.

For the love of my Sisters

Recently, I joined an initiative with six other women. It is an initiative whose mission is to empower young girls through educating and sharing knowledge with them; knowledge to help them navigate safely through puberty and adolescence which are the hardest years of their lives. As teenagers, most of us didn’t get sexual and reproductive health education from our parents. However, we must do better and educate our younger sisters. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. Thus, the initiative seeks to build a platform to provide a continuous flow of useful, educative information to the girls; serving to enlighten, impart knowledge and empower them to make informed decisions about their lives, decisions that will determine their future. We not only share knowledge with the girls, but we also create a sisterly bond with them. We listen, share, encourage, comfort, challenge and support the girls in the most possible way we can while boosting their self-confidence and self-esteem and creating a sisterly love and bond. We make it known to the girls that we, their older sisters, also went through what they go through; that they can relate to us.

Then, there was an opportunity for a free mentorship from Judicaelle Irakoze. She is interested in young African feminists who have projects; on which she can work with them on how to align them with feminist politics. We just had to e-mail her a proposal, a short bio and feminist journey. I showed it to my friend and she encouraged me to apply. So, I went to work and wrote a proposal. I was nervous about sending it myself but she insisted I do it. I doubted myself. But guess what? I was chosen! And I haven’t recovered from that. Few years back, if anyone would have told me that there would come a day when I would be (chosen to be) mentored by Judicaelle Irakoze, I would have said that they’re crazy!

It’s a pleasure to be a part of the team behind the initiative. I find great joy and satisfaction from sharing with the girls. It’s very rewarding to know that my work is helping some young girls out there, saving them from falling into the same traps I fell into; saving them from going through the same shit that I went through and did not enjoy. Just like I have learned (and continue to learn) from Twitter feminists, I am committed to passing on the information and teach other girls as well. I am committed to being a bright, shining light that guides them; just like other have been my guiding light.

I want to teach the girls how to decenter the male gaze. One of the things girls have to unlearn at an early age, is the desire for men to choose us and men choosing us being more important than our education, our careers, our aspirations. That they neither have to choose a man over a career, or give up on a career altogether. Girls need to learn that boys and men are not doing them a favor by liking, dating or marry them. I want to tell and teach the girls not to make life decisions based on boys (their boyfriends) and men (their future husbands). Not to skip opportunities for them. Not to pass on great opportunities just to stay close to them. To never do anything that would hold them back from their careers or life goals for men. That there is so much more to life than being a man’s girlfriend or wife. There’s so much more to life than a man. Men are not the sun; our world doesn’t and shouldn’t revolve around them.

I want to teach the girls to always choose and put themselves first. That no man deserves they sacrifice their autonomy for their wellbeing. That loving men shouldn’t be about making compromises and sacrifices, neither should it be painful. That a man shouldn’t hold them back or make them shrink themselves. That loving and being with men shouldn’t make them feel trapped, suffocated or cause them more distress than comfort. That pain and suffering and endurance are not criteria for womanhood. That they need to partner with men who are team players, not men that they have to endure. To partner with men who envision the same future as them, men who enhance their happiness.

I want to teach the girls to get rid of the fear of being alone, so that they don’t settle for just any man. I want to teach the girls that they shouldn’t measure and/or rate themselves according to their close proximity to men. That men’s incompetence and inability to love women doesn’t have anything to do with women and shouldn’t decrease their selves. That there is nothing romantic about convincing a man of your love. I want to teach girls not to settle, but rather to be selfish until they find a partner truly worthy.

Not to worry about what other people think about them. Not to change themselves to fit in. not to alter their thoughts and beliefs in order to be likeable. Not to play the nice girl when people are walking over them or treating them like a punching bag and still expect them to stand and take it all in without a fuss. Not to put their heart and soul into fitting in with people who aren’t worth their time, energy and love. People who bring them down. Not to live to please other people. Not to need and rely on outside validation to feel worthwhile. Trust themselves. Feel worthy without anyone else’s approval.

I want to teach the girls self-love. That they are worthy. That they matter. That they deserve to be loved and happy. I want to teach them to move towards knowing and understanding themselves in the sincerest and real way there is. To learn to appreciate, celebrate, embrace and love themselves unapologetically. To learn to love and celebrate their bodies. I want to teach the girls that our bodies are our homes and radiate beauty, that our bodies deserve to be loved all. I want to teach them to grow themselves, to read, to expand their knowledge. I want to teach them that their potential is infinite, to create a better life for themselves.

I want to teach and help the girls to unlearn internalized misogyny and to get rid of girl hate. I want to teach them that there’s enough room for all women without tearing each other down. To not find comfort in other women’s flaws and failures. To not read other women’s beauty as the absence of their own beauty. To not compare themselves to other women, but rather to look within, appreciate their own magic. To admire the beauty of other women without questioning their own. To respect other women’s choices, even those they might not necessarily make.

I live to see a generation of girls and women who question and challenge societal norms, who resist and defy the norms. Girls and women who live their lives on their own terms.