Everyday struggles…again

4:30AM
I’m nice and comfy in my warm bed, then the alarm goes off. Talk about a rude wake-up call. My cocoon of blankets and pillows is so warm. Do I really need to come out of it? I was having such a great dream about a movie I fell asleep watching. In my dream, I was in the movie but as a new character. Now I know I shouldn’t have stayed up so late watching movies.

Every morning when the alarm goes off, I go through all the fucking cuss words in my head that I could ever think of!
But thanks Heavens, it’s Friday.
We’ve all been there.

I know some of you might think that, “why you complaining, you choose to do that, no one is forcing you”. But trust me, I know that I choose to do this…and I do love what I do, most of the time.
However, I have to admit that sometimes I get tired. Really, really tired and sometimes, all I am thinking is “how many days till the weekend?”

I am currently doing my internship. It’s a 16-weeks internship which will be ending in late November. My internship deals with study in the areas of Biochemistry, Serology, Hematology, Immunohematology, Microbiology, Phlebotomy and Reception. Each area of study includes practical laboratory experiences, lectures and/or workshops, self instruction learning modules, patient case studies, and tests. We receive instructions as we learn and work with teaching technologists in the laboratory.
Under supervision, we perform laboratory analyses in all tests on patients’ samples (blood, sputum, urine, stool, body fluid specimens), interpret and report results.
General hours for the internship are 8AM – 5PM, Monday through Friday.

No matter how much I love an enjoy this, there are ALWAYS times when I get tired of it. Times when it gets boring. Times when I feel like staying in bed, all day. When those times come, I go through them, even when it’s struggling.
Like today. I’m laying here in bed, writing a blog post instead of getting up and get ready for work!

5:45AM
So glad I got out of bed.
Hello day, I’m ready for you!

image

Dear Old Friend

Dear Old Friend,

Let’s start out with the obvious; I miss you. I miss all of the people I have lost.
True friendship and love felt deep in a person’s heart is something that doesn’t waver. It can be ignored, but it cannot be destroyed.

I wish you weren’t a person that I used to know. I see your life in photos, like I watch strangers in a film. Brief texting has replaced deep conversation and secret-sharing. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to go back to a simpler time, when friendship and love felt so easy. I wonder what it would feel like to not have a care in the world and just waste hours goofing off with you and the other people I now barely know. I wonder what it would be like to know each other again.

I wish it were possible to try to be best friends again. I wish it made sense.
I wish I could tell you when something amazing, or even completely meaningless and silly happens. I wish I still heard the same things from you.
I wish it didn’t feel like you live a million miles away. I wish you could be there for me the way you used to be. I wish I could know the people in your life.

Time flies!  The years have sped by quickly! Looking back, it doesn’t seem all that long ago that we were the best of friends. I can remember some of our silly conversations very well indeed. I remember our time together as being, simply put, very fun. You are one of the most pleasant friends I’ve ever had.

Time builds barriers. It isn’t easy to maintain friendships, and certainly isn’t easy to rebuild them.
I want the friendships I know have always been worth fighting for. I don’t want empty spaces. Maybe you feel the same way and do not want empty spaces either. I hope my space in your heart is still open, because your space in my mine will never close.

You’re still a wonderful person. Today, I admire you from afar. I ain’t even mad that we’re no longer best friends. You and I are one of the few relationships I’ve had that’s been relatively free of any tension, leaving me with nothing but happy memories. And I’m not sure I want to characterize our friendship’s present state as terminated.
So thank you; I want nothing but the best for you in the future.

Sincerely,
Your Old Friend

Discover it here…

It’s weird how people always perceive me as mysterious and are always asking what I do when I’m not around them. Well, get to know me first!

Here are 24 things you don’t know about me.

 

  1. I hate losing and am ultra competitive in most things I do. I don’t get over losing easily. I lose sleep. It’s not so much the actual outcome that I hate – it’s the process.  The fact that I lost when I should have won. I think about it for months, often years.  But I embrace losing, it is how I learn. If I lose, I will train and train until I can win.
  2. I rarely reveal personal details about myself in a conversation unless explicitly asked.
  3. I’m a really curious person at heart and I’m very observant (by nature). I am the quiet one who prefers to sit alone and observe those around me. And no, I’m not judging people when I do this.
  4. When I find a song I like, I’ll listen to it on repeat until I get sick of it.
  5. I absolutely HATE frogs.
  6. I don’t wear make-up. I am comfortable with how I look. I don’t hate what I see when I look in the mirror…I can still look gorgeous by letting my natural and inner beauty shine. I don’t have to take it off at the end of the night which I guess is the worst part of putting makeup on in the first place, I don’t need to sneak out to the bathroom to check…it’s liberating not relying on a mirror for a little while. And I can do important things in the morning instead, like sleeping. So the reason I don’t wear makeup is because I am lazy.
  7. I can do weird things. Don’t underestimate me because I’m quiet.
  8. One of my greatest joys is being able to offer some sort of help or insight that improves the quality of life for others.
  9. I’m a good listener. I can cope with whatever personal stuff a friend wants to tell me, and try to give advice.
  10. If I could eat meat everyday – I would. I love meat.
  11. I do my laundry myself. I would rather do laundry myself than turning it over to others to do.
  12. I like routine. I do not do disorder or chaos.
  13. I don’t like reading and can’t read more than a couple of pages before falling asleep. I know!I can’t stand going to meetings or talking on the phone. I thrive in the online world. Perhaps because online communication and networking gives me more time to think and reflect about how to express my responses as compared to real-world conversations.My least favorite thing is having to get up early.
  14. I’m grateful every day for the love of a good man.
  15. I love learning and I love finding new ways to improve everything around me. Because every single minute I am thinking and analyzing all sorts of things, so I always have something on my mind. If someone would give me the option to stay at home watching an interesting movie or going out to a huge party, I would definitely stay with the movie.
  16. I can’t stand going to meetings or talking on the phone. I thrive in the online world. Perhaps because online communication and networking gives me more time to think and reflect about how to express my responses as compared to real-world conversations.
  17. With that said, People I can go months without contact with, and that’s ok, make the best friends for me. Someone I can be real with, and provide the same environment in return.
  18. I like to be alone more than I like to be in large groups of people. And being alone doesn’t equate to loneliness. And I’m not alone all the time, as many people think. I am, basically, like every other person and my alone time is split 50-50 with my “friends” time.
  19. I don’t like talking, but when it comes to expressing ideas I can give a full hour speech without even getting close to the introduction. And when I’m talking about something I’m interested in, passionate or know a lot about, I can talk your ear off…I won’t shut up for days!
  20. I’m not good at socializing and this doesn’t mean I’m necessarily afraid of people. What I need is a reason to interact. I don’t interact for the sake of interacting. If you want to talk to me, just start talking. Don’t worry about being polite.
  21. And I have thought about jumping out a window to end a conversation… I just do not have the talent of conversing easily with people I have never met before. But I am not a total hikikomori; I just use my time wisely with people I really enjoy. I don’t let idiots steal my time.
  22. I have only a hand-full of really close friends but I do have a lot of people I consider friends though. I have three or four best friends who are my entire life and I intensely value the few friends I have. I am not a “group of friends” person. I can’t keep up with all that.
  23. I’m not anti-social, I’m selectively social. I form fewer but deeper relationships with people.
  24. My sarcasm and humor gets me in trouble sometimes. Especially when I write up something I think is funny and post it on Social Media.

 

The first thing people say when they meet me is “Why are you so quiet?” And some (always) say things like “Say something, I want to hear you talk”. I have been told countless times that I should be more talkative with people in general. More talkative?! Pfffffff…

That kind of pressure and attention made me feel awkward. And then I didn’t want to talk when I had something to say because I knew people would react so strongly and give me so much attention for it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being quiet. In fact there is everything wrong with trying to turn me into something I am not. Stop trying to fix me! It took me so long to realize that I’m fine. And trust me, it wasn’t that simple.

Finally…

I am an introvert and I love being that way. And I am not afraid to be named so. I see it as an honor and a unique part of my personality.

fe713645b3871a5ef6ccd0654af22489

 

 

What If I Stopped Wanting To Put On Weight?

Ever met someone and the first thing they say to you is that demeaning thing you dread to hear? They see me and the first thing they say is “Angela, you have grown so thin!” Some don’t even hesitate to ask “What happened?” As if that is supposed to make me happy?! Phooeyy!

I’ve been trying everything to put on weight. Some of my friends think I don’t eat ─ they think I starve myself to maintain the ‘mannequine’ figure! Oh boy!?

Few years back, I admired those women who had the ‘perfect’ body. I thought if I could just be like them, everything would be okay. As if they don’t struggle with weight and body issues. We all admire or envy those women who have that ‘perfect’ body. But have you ever stopped to think what they go through? We believe they’re so healthy and we are not. Some of the women, who although they look great, do not feel great about themselves. And they use unhealthy means to stay looking that way because they’re so afraid of what will happen if they gain/lose weight.

Social comparison is the thief of happiness. You could spend a lifetime worrying about what others have, but it wouldn’t get you anything. So, I’m done trying and trying to put on weight (hari hasigaye kurya ibinini by’ingurube!) MINE, I’m sorry I ain’t partying ways with my chinese butt! Sinon, achete-moi des chiffons!

Being beautiful is more than how many people you can get to look at you, or how others perceive you at a single glance. It’s about what you live for. It’s about what defines you. It’s about the depth of your heart, and what makes you unique. It’s about being who you are and living out your life honestly. It’s about those little quirks that make you, you.

Women with the so-called perfect bodies aren’t immune to the problems the rest of us deal with. They are unhappy, lonely, have trouble with their boyfriends/spouses, are in debt, have low self-esteem, hate their jobs, are in unhealthy relationships…the list goes on and on. Everyone is battling their own demons.

Perfect body doesn’t equal happiness.

Self-love and self-acceptance do.

I’m happy because I love who I am. I love my flaws. I love my imperfections. They make me “me.” And “me” is pretty amazing.

HAPPY NEW 2015!

 

 

 

How bad…?

Everyone has a bad habit. I too, have some bad habits…things I should not do but do. And that doesn’t make a bad person (does it?) And as much as people love rumors, they love to know the dirty little secrets of other people.

So here are mine…

  • I spend too much money. And yes, when I go into a store or to the market, I want everything! EVERYTHING! Thank heavens I always go shopping with my son, otherwise I would be so broke and in tons of debts. I usually threaten to cry when he drags me away/out. Sometimes when I finally convince him to let me buy something, I don’t use it.
  • Breaking my promises to myself. I have always wanted to commit to a healthier routine and keep saying to myself ‘go jogging.’ Instead of keeping my promise, I lay on the bed all day, telling myself I’ll do it tomorrow!
  • I oversleep. I watch movies well into the night so I get to sleep late and have trouble getting up the next morning. Even when I don’t sleep late, I always struggle getting out of bed! No matter how much sleep I get! WARNING: I sometimes am the laziest person you will ever meet in all of history!
  • I spend way too much time on the internet! I tell myself only for thirty minutes, but then I get so distracted on something so I expand my promised time and thirty minutes soon turns into two hours! I log out of my laptop and log in with my phone and continue…
  • And my worst habit is…PROCRASTINATING!! I got to admit, I’m a great procrastinator. I would say, one of the best. When I’m procrastinating, I tend to read articles, watch films (sometimes 3 a day) and go through my blog dashboard. I never see this as just procrastination, I’m actually expanding my knowledge…once I read or see something, it stays in my head and that helps me decrease my research time. I always do huge projects and homework assignments at the last minute. The same applies for reading for exams! I would say that I work efficiently under pressure! However I still always get good grades and the teachers never know I do all at the last minute. I very well know myself and this is a double edge sword. I know what I’m capable of, which makes me too calm. The best (and worst) thing I know about myself is my incredible efficiency; I can make significant changes in less than a day and always find ways to work. Knowing this means I allow myself to leave it for a later date rather than tackle it head on. And when I get things done days ahead of time, it still keeps me on edge knowing I haven’t done enough. To those procrastinators out there, I know you can all relate.

main-qimg-1ad13e15bfe3bf5d62d150b9d77b01e8

 

I HATE PEOPLE WHO…

…no matter what personal experience you’ve just told them about, have one of their own that they think tops it – a place they’ve visited that’s more beautiful, a scary experience that’s more terrifying than yours, a better bargain they’ve negotiated, a more brilliant person they’ve encountered, e.t.c.

…come and stand next to me when I am keying something in.

…yell from another room and expect me to get up if I can’t hear what they are saying.

…claim to be Christian and yet be so judgmental of others and how they choose to live their lives.

…interrupt you when you’re telling a story and then they continue to tell you their story. Then ask you in an uninterested tone to continue on with your story when they are finished talking.

…give their kids weird names.

…you ask a simple, straight forward question and they spend ten solid minutes rambling on about everything in the world EXCEPT the answer to your simple, straightforward question. I hate that!

…think their children have a “right” to disturb and disrupt others in public places, and who have the attitude that the rest of the world should just “deal with it” or leave.

…use the toilet and leave toilet skidmarks. I don’t want to know you poo. How difficult is it to clean up your own crap?

…can’t admit they’re wrong, even when it’s blatantly obvious.

…insist on sitting with their legs spread wide like they got something there, while riding on public transport.

…ogle or whistle at women who walk down the street.

…argue over pointless things, that I feel like punching them. And I love it when people admit to not knowing anything about a subject, yet give their opinion anyway.

…are better off than the vast majority of people on this planet but can’t appreciate their good fortune & feel the need to constantly complain about the most trivial things – they always cry broke. I happen to know this woman who is always crying that her business is failing. She is always crying, crying and crying…day and night, Monday through Friday. She’s never been grateful and yet manages to have more than many people in Kigali. I once was in her restaurant (was passing-by and went to say hi) when someone (a friend) came to seek help from her. His child had been chased from school because he hadn’t paid school fees yet. He was borrowing some money to pay the school fees, and promised to pay back in one-week time. Then she tells him she didn’t have any money (yicaye muri comptoir ari kubara inote), and starts stories of “I’ve just paid the milkman all the money. He delivered 100 liters of milk today. Sinzi ko mbona n’ayo kwishyura imigati…” That gets her started and she laments over her business, that is failing (kandi abakiliya bari gucicikana, babuze n’aho babicaza!) that you could ask for a bank loan and lend her some amount! Abanyakigali ni danger man!

THE DAILY STRUGGLE

ef3cf5804d6747e93ce811cb41b45c40

It’s 8:10AM and I still haven’t gotten out of bed yet. I mean, I know that I should. I just need to get out of bed and start my day. Not eating lunch or even possibly being late for lectures is but a small price to pay to stay in a bed this comfortable.

Decisions, decisions…*I’m stalling*

It seems that no matter how much I sleep, I’ve a hard time getting up. Sometimes I feel really dead in the morning…eyes struggling to stay open, zombie-like! I’ve been like this since I can remember. I’ll stretch for like half an hour and think about things before I get up. Sometimes I end up just rolling right over again!

Time check: 10:00AM

I’m still not out of bed yet! I have to will myself to wake up and get up. I probably could have slept for another 3 hours but I simply have to get something done today.

 

 

My body is still adjusting from going from the comfy bed. Crawling out of my comfy bed in the morning is no easy task. It’s like dragging myself up from deep underwater with cement blocks tied to my feet. I’m not a morning person. Mornings should start in the afternoon. 12 consecutive hours of sleep would be the height of lovely!

I remember (as a kid) when I was told to go to bed, I would protest: “Nta bitotsi mfite! Nijoro ntabwo nsinzira ntariye!” Or I would think to myself “Naps? During day-time? Do you think I’m a fool? We all know people sleep at night!”

Now as an adult: Can I go to bed yet?

As a child I hated naps. It used to feel like torture when I was made to nap. Now it’s torture to ever not be napping! Kid me was missing out! Nothing compares anymore! If someone would tell me to take a nap every day, I’d love it…I’d never fight it! I wish I’d appreciated afternoon naps as a kid…I miss them now! I just wish there was a rollover program for all the naps I didn’t take then.

*sigh*

My mom always said “Uzifuza kuryama ubibure!”

When I got in high school I always remembered her words and wished I could go back in time. We had classes from 8:00AM to 4:30PM. I was never used to having afternoon classes. And that’s when I started longing for the naps. I never thought it would happen. I always took my mom’s words as jokes, to get us to nap just!

I always wished we never had classes in the afternoon, or the teacher to be absent, or rain heavily…because I would be dozing the whole afternoons. That feeling when your body is heavy and is pulling you down into sleep and you simply can’t fight it any more. It’s definitely not a I-think-I-will-go-take-a-nap moment because I’m bored. It’s a deep physical need to sleep.

And it’s hard to wake up. All the afternoon classes were boring and a waste of time!

The worst part of it all is when someone wakes me up.

“…byuka usigarane umwana” my mom would say, waking me up in the morning  to attend to my baby brother.

“Mhhhhmmm…” and roll over again.

“Byuka ndagiye”

Then I would get out of bed, bring him in bed, and lock the door so that he doesn’t get out. In less than a minute, he would be up again…sitting on my head, or worse, banging on the door crying that I let him out. Thanks Heavens, he is a baby no more! Grrrhh, I hated that boy back then!

All I know is if I’m woken before I actually wake, I’m angry and I want to bite the person’s head off!

cranky-early-morning-1

I don’t like being woken by an alarm either; it feels like I’m having a heart attack!

What I need NOW is a strategy for getting my lazy butt out of bed in the morning.