I’m in the business of being awesome and the business is good.

You lied to me and let me pour myself into you. I loved you. Always will. I fell in love, watched it grow, watched it change, and watched it fall apart. I stretched my heart for you but you bruised it. I hoped to find love but instead I found a beautiful disaster. Whatever we had (for lack of a better term) was built on a strong foundation of (my) delusion and (your) lies. I knew how crappy it was, but I couldn’t bring myself to walking out (damn comfort zone!) because you are/were the king of mixed signals. Every time I was starting to close the door, you knocked with the I LOVE YOUs, I NEED YOUs, I MISS YOUs and I would let you in. My worst fear in relationships is not knowing whether someone will hurt me or not. But you did. 
You not only did not love me back, you were pursuing a relationship with another girl you really saw a future with. And you also cheated, but didn’t have the balls to tell me or try to work it out so you just put her photo on your profile, in the hopes that I would ask about her (dear God…) I inevitably found out the truth (about the cheating)… I was utterly heartbroken and overcame with grief that I just wanted to crawl into a hole and stay hidden there. 

There are thousands of ways to get your heart broken; but, none are worse than getting cheated on. To be honest, cheating is something I never condoned nor even understood. I couldn’t understand how someone who said he loved me could treat me like how you did. I was inconsolable for weeks. It threw my heart off balance. Cheating is the worst. I thought I was smart, beautiful, caring, loving, a great partner…but then you threw me to the side as if I were garbage, and there I was, wondering if I was as great of a catch as I thought I was. I thought something was wrong with me and that’s a shitty feeling. How the hell did you even sleep at night? 

Heads up guys: we are not fragile dolls. You can tell us the truth, we can take it.

You disappointed me once again (when you suddenly fell off the radar yet I needed your help). I called for hours (that turned into days) but you didn’t return none of my calls. I texted you a zillion times, nothing. That was going to be the last time you would let me down. We were friends (at least I thought so). You were one of my closest friends, if not the closest. We laughed about things completely mundane. You meant everything to me. But that time I realized that I had been wrong on the friend part, it wasn’t real. Suddenly that perfect perception of you was tainted. And thanks to that, I now see you without your masks. I now see you as someone whom NOT to call when things go rotten.

You sent texts days later, but I didn’t reply. You kept sending texts and seemed not to understand why I never replied to any of them. Why would I? So that you could lie to me again? So that you could say “sorry”? To be blunt, I just hoped what was left of your conscience pained you to such a degree that the only way to relieve the pressure was to come clean. I’d gotten tired of your coward intentions. I stopped trying to understand why you couldn’t be authentic. Besides, one doesn’t need to warn anyone when cutting them off, they just do it silently and peacefully. Even though it was hard, I finally did it…cold, clean and remorseless. It’s very okay to walk away from someone/something that hurts you. No blame or justification, you just stop fanning the flames. I cut you off because it was necessary, not just because I wanted revenge. I vowed not to repeat my mistake again. I didn’t (and still don’t) want to compromise myself like I did before, because I’m better off without the thought of when you will run off without notice. I’ve promised to never put myself in a situation where I don’t know where I stand in someone’s life again, where I feel unsteady and unloved.

Sometimes one can’t really see the damage until they force themselves out of the situation. I’ve worked so hard to finally love myself and to believe that I’m deserving of happiness and love. I no longer toy around relationships where someone hurts me over and over again because they value their own comfort above my happiness. I know how to be by myself, I know how to enjoy my own company. I’m not angry. Neither do I hate you. However, I don’t care about you the same way anymore, because you hurt me. Really badly. And you know this. Rather I hate your hypocrisy. I hate your lies. Lies that you kept feeding me till you sent me to a painful place that I wanted to run away from, but couldn’t because one doesn’t get to run from oneself. Rather, I sat in the pain, cried about it and prayed about it. There’s no exit route for pain. I started from there, accepted it, built myself again, replenished myself after you’d took so much from me, nurtured myself and grew from there. I still continue to recover from the pain. My heart is still healing, and a part of it is still going to have that scar from giving all of me to someone who didn’t want it. 

I’m so glad that we broke up and that you didn’t make up your mind to come back when I was still waiting for you. For that I thank God all the time because, there is no delicate way to put this so I am just going to say it: you were a bad guy. But you helped me in the end. I may have lost you but I gained back myself and all my self-respect I had lost with you. You helped me see what I don’t want in a partner. Some things that happen to you and you realize later that it was because God needed to use you for the benefit of others and for your own happiness. It was necessary to hurt to have learned what I learned. I learned that sometimes you have to experience what it means not to be loved in order to know what love is when you finally find it.

There’s a misconception that people who are/have been hurt, end up hurting other people. People who use their pain to give others pain. Heartbreak is inevitable and we are all hurting in one way or another but not all of us are out to hurt others. Just because your heart is broken, doesn’t mean you have to break someone’s heart too since you’re too immature to know out what to do with it. Because having had my heart broken, I learned to forgive. But I can never forget how a broken heart feels.
I’ve been through enough to trust my gut instinct and to stick with it. I trust my intuition will lead me to light. Most of all, I trust myself enough to know that I wouldn’t choose to be with someone who doesn’t deserve me, again. I still love, but I love myself more. And I’m still very much afraid of pain but I’m not afraid of being vulnerable.

After the heartbreak, I was a broken girl with trust issues. A girl who needed to learn how to love herself. A girl who hadn’t yet let go of the wrong person she was holding onto. I hadn’t forgiven you. But was that the hill I wanted to die on? No! Today, as I write this, I have forgiven you because there’s no longer room in my heart for that kind of baggage. Life’s too short to carry such a burden. I know that I am complete, without my partner. I recognize my flaws and pledge to work hard on taking my flaws with strength and to be comfortable in my own skin.

The happy ending of my story is that getting over you (who never shared my love) felt like having a blindfold removed. I suddenly saw all the love I’d had this whole time. I am grateful. Nobody healed my heartache. I sat with it and was able to fix myself on my own. And I realized that real love comes first from within, not from anyone else. Today, I am so much stronger, wiser and so much more certain of myself. I am now watering my own garden, blooming where I have been planted and loving it. I love me. There’s no glorious revenge than living your best life.

Though I’ve endured pain, overcome heartbreaking experiences and I’m scared of letting someone in, I won’t close myself off completely. I’m allowing myself to be led by hope. I’m in the business of being awesome and the business is good.

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Fuck the Past

At any given moment, you have the power to say: this is not how the story is going to end

~ Christine Mason Miller

Have you ever made a mistake you thought was terrible that you simply couldn’t forgive yourself? A mistake you thought was so bad that you sunk into depression? A mistake that made you wonder silently if you’re not probably the stupidest person alive?
Well, here is my story…

I was in this relationship for almost 4 years. Though he said that he loved me, his actions proved otherwise. But I continued to see the relationship for what it could be, rather than what it actually was: toxic. There were lots of things that I thought I could ignore or shove under the carpet. Then he hurt me, on purpose. He cheated intentionally. I, on the other hand, not knowing better, kept wondering silently what lacked in the relationship that gave room for such betrayal. Perhaps love is truly blind.

Despite it taking me months, I came to terms with reality that it wasn’t much of a relationship, at all. It was just a fantasy world created from his half assed efforts, with a strong foundation in delusion. It was entirely unsatisfactory! I used to think that I was never good enough for him. I was constantly coming second to dozens of other girls. I thought I was the main chick, but I was being played. I was led on, for almost 4 years. I thought he shared my love for him. Then the cheating happened and photos on his social media accounts broadcast the fun they were having, status updates said what was on his mind or announced his availability, commitment or something in between. When I questioned him about it, he quickly pulled them down and denied it! Hehe. I kept quiet but I’d seen everything! I tried harder than anything to forget that but I couldn’t. He made me feel completely worthless. He emotionally ruined me. However, I finally realized that it wasn’t me not being good enough for him. And these words have resonated with me for some time now. 

Later, I was overcome by shame. How could I be so stupid? Why did I tolerate such behavior? Why did I allow all that to happen? This terrible feeling continued. Flashing before my eyes, I saw all the opportunities I had to walk away, but I had chosen the other way. I would be so close to getting out, but he would call or text, and I would blow it again. I would fail myself again. The logical-side knew the truth long ago, but the emotional-side nearly destroyed it. Sure, emotions keep one from being cold and cruel. But they can also cloud vision and enable scum to try to create a mess.

After walking in and out of the door so many times, he taught me to lock the door. The hardest and saddest part was to stop fighting and just walk away. But then I thought why should I be sad? I had lost someone who didn’t love me but he had lost someone who loved him, genuinely. Not only was I done investing my time in him, I also cut him off completely and burned down the damn bridge, instead of running around absorbing and forgiving everything. Sometimes, you got to be cold to show people that you were being loving (and understanding) the entire time.

Looking back, now, I wonder how I even tolerated such unhealthy behavior. No matter how hard I tried to forgive myself, I continued to beat myself up for this. I couldn’t shake off the feeling. Even after the break up (for lack of a better term), I continued to experience shame and self-loathing thoughts. But you know when you’re dealing with a person who did you wrong/hurt you, you can choose to forgive, release the hurt, and maybe not maintain contact with them anymore. But with yourself? That’s not even an option. You don’t get to quit or walk away from yourself. No!

Fortunately however, one day it gets better. You wake up and you’re not angry or sad anymore. And there’s no explanation or reason why. It just happens like that.

I can’t go back in time and fix it. However, I can recover from the mistake, learn from it, forgive myself and move on with my life. Because having had my heart broken, I learned to forgive but I can never forget how a broken heart feels. I’m learning to be selfish with me and with my time. I don’t want to reconcile with him. I want to forgive myself for not knowing better. To forgive myself for all the pain that I’ve caused myself. For not loving myself enough. I am constantly reminding myself that I deserve better than the distorted perception of love that was handed to me on a tarnished platter. 

The experience has changed me. It made me a better person. It made me stronger and more discerning. I learned the dangers of not putting myself first and not loving myself enough. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be loved in a way you feel you deserve. I deserve better than being ignored and taken for granted, I deserve better than being manipulated. I deserve God’s best for my life and nothing less. Simply because I’m worth it. I am thankful for the opportunity to grow in these ways. I celebrate who I have become because of my past mistakes.

I’m happy now

What If I Stopped Wanting To Put On Weight?

Ever met someone and the first thing they say to you is that demeaning thing you dread to hear? They see me and the first thing they say is “Angela, you have grown so thin!” Some don’t even hesitate to ask “What happened?” As if that is supposed to make me happy?! Phooeyy!

I’ve been trying everything to put on weight. Some of my friends think I don’t eat ─ they think I starve myself to maintain the ‘mannequine’ figure! Oh boy!?

Few years back, I admired those women who had the ‘perfect’ body. I thought if I could just be like them, everything would be okay. As if they don’t struggle with weight and body issues. We all admire or envy those women who have that ‘perfect’ body. But have you ever stopped to think what they go through? We believe they’re so healthy and we are not. Some of the women, who although they look great, do not feel great about themselves. And they use unhealthy means to stay looking that way because they’re so afraid of what will happen if they gain/lose weight.

Social comparison is the thief of happiness. You could spend a lifetime worrying about what others have, but it wouldn’t get you anything. So, I’m done trying and trying to put on weight (hari hasigaye kurya ibinini by’ingurube!) MINE, I’m sorry I ain’t partying ways with my chinese butt! Sinon, achete-moi des chiffons!

Being beautiful is more than how many people you can get to look at you, or how others perceive you at a single glance. It’s about what you live for. It’s about what defines you. It’s about the depth of your heart, and what makes you unique. It’s about being who you are and living out your life honestly. It’s about those little quirks that make you, you.

Women with the so-called perfect bodies aren’t immune to the problems the rest of us deal with. They are unhappy, lonely, have trouble with their boyfriends/spouses, are in debt, have low self-esteem, hate their jobs, are in unhealthy relationships…the list goes on and on. Everyone is battling their own demons.

Perfect body doesn’t equal happiness.

Self-love and self-acceptance do.

I’m happy because I love who I am. I love my flaws. I love my imperfections. They make me “me.” And “me” is pretty amazing.

HAPPY NEW 2015!