I’m in the business of being awesome and the business is good.

You lied to me and let me pour myself into you. I loved you. Always will. I fell in love, watched it grow, watched it change, and watched it fall apart. I stretched my heart for you but you bruised it. I hoped to find love but instead I found a beautiful disaster. Whatever we had (for lack of a better term) was built on a strong foundation of (my) delusion and (your) lies. I knew how crappy it was, but I couldn’t bring myself to walking out (damn comfort zone!) because you are/were the king of mixed signals. Every time I was starting to close the door, you knocked with the I LOVE YOUs, I NEED YOUs, I MISS YOUs and I would let you in. My worst fear in relationships is not knowing whether someone will hurt me or not. But you did. 
You not only did not love me back, you were pursuing a relationship with another girl you really saw a future with. And you also cheated, but didn’t have the balls to tell me or try to work it out so you just put her photo on your profile, in the hopes that I would ask about her (dear God…) I inevitably found out the truth (about the cheating)… I was utterly heartbroken and overcame with grief that I just wanted to crawl into a hole and stay hidden there. 

There are thousands of ways to get your heart broken; but, none are worse than getting cheated on. To be honest, cheating is something I never condoned nor even understood. I couldn’t understand how someone who said he loved me could treat me like how you did. I was inconsolable for weeks. It threw my heart off balance. Cheating is the worst. I thought I was smart, beautiful, caring, loving, a great partner…but then you threw me to the side as if I were garbage, and there I was, wondering if I was as great of a catch as I thought I was. I thought something was wrong with me and that’s a shitty feeling. How the hell did you even sleep at night? 

Heads up guys: we are not fragile dolls. You can tell us the truth, we can take it.

You disappointed me once again (when you suddenly fell off the radar yet I needed your help). I called for hours (that turned into days) but you didn’t return none of my calls. I texted you a zillion times, nothing. That was going to be the last time you would let me down. We were friends (at least I thought so). You were one of my closest friends, if not the closest. We laughed about things completely mundane. You meant everything to me. But that time I realized that I had been wrong on the friend part, it wasn’t real. Suddenly that perfect perception of you was tainted. And thanks to that, I now see you without your masks. I now see you as someone whom NOT to call when things go rotten.

You sent texts days later, but I didn’t reply. You kept sending texts and seemed not to understand why I never replied to any of them. Why would I? So that you could lie to me again? So that you could say “sorry”? To be blunt, I just hoped what was left of your conscience pained you to such a degree that the only way to relieve the pressure was to come clean. I’d gotten tired of your coward intentions. I stopped trying to understand why you couldn’t be authentic. Besides, one doesn’t need to warn anyone when cutting them off, they just do it silently and peacefully. Even though it was hard, I finally did it…cold, clean and remorseless. It’s very okay to walk away from someone/something that hurts you. No blame or justification, you just stop fanning the flames. I cut you off because it was necessary, not just because I wanted revenge. I vowed not to repeat my mistake again. I didn’t (and still don’t) want to compromise myself like I did before, because I’m better off without the thought of when you will run off without notice. I’ve promised to never put myself in a situation where I don’t know where I stand in someone’s life again, where I feel unsteady and unloved.

Sometimes one can’t really see the damage until they force themselves out of the situation. I’ve worked so hard to finally love myself and to believe that I’m deserving of happiness and love. I no longer toy around relationships where someone hurts me over and over again because they value their own comfort above my happiness. I know how to be by myself, I know how to enjoy my own company. I’m not angry. Neither do I hate you. However, I don’t care about you the same way anymore, because you hurt me. Really badly. And you know this. Rather I hate your hypocrisy. I hate your lies. Lies that you kept feeding me till you sent me to a painful place that I wanted to run away from, but couldn’t because one doesn’t get to run from oneself. Rather, I sat in the pain, cried about it and prayed about it. There’s no exit route for pain. I started from there, accepted it, built myself again, replenished myself after you’d took so much from me, nurtured myself and grew from there. I still continue to recover from the pain. My heart is still healing, and a part of it is still going to have that scar from giving all of me to someone who didn’t want it. 

I’m so glad that we broke up and that you didn’t make up your mind to come back when I was still waiting for you. For that I thank God all the time because, there is no delicate way to put this so I am just going to say it: you were a bad guy. But you helped me in the end. I may have lost you but I gained back myself and all my self-respect I had lost with you. You helped me see what I don’t want in a partner. Some things that happen to you and you realize later that it was because God needed to use you for the benefit of others and for your own happiness. It was necessary to hurt to have learned what I learned. I learned that sometimes you have to experience what it means not to be loved in order to know what love is when you finally find it.

There’s a misconception that people who are/have been hurt, end up hurting other people. People who use their pain to give others pain. Heartbreak is inevitable and we are all hurting in one way or another but not all of us are out to hurt others. Just because your heart is broken, doesn’t mean you have to break someone’s heart too since you’re too immature to know out what to do with it. Because having had my heart broken, I learned to forgive. But I can never forget how a broken heart feels.
I’ve been through enough to trust my gut instinct and to stick with it. I trust my intuition will lead me to light. Most of all, I trust myself enough to know that I wouldn’t choose to be with someone who doesn’t deserve me, again. I still love, but I love myself more. And I’m still very much afraid of pain but I’m not afraid of being vulnerable.

After the heartbreak, I was a broken girl with trust issues. A girl who needed to learn how to love herself. A girl who hadn’t yet let go of the wrong person she was holding onto. I hadn’t forgiven you. But was that the hill I wanted to die on? No! Today, as I write this, I have forgiven you because there’s no longer room in my heart for that kind of baggage. Life’s too short to carry such a burden. I know that I am complete, without my partner. I recognize my flaws and pledge to work hard on taking my flaws with strength and to be comfortable in my own skin.

The happy ending of my story is that getting over you (who never shared my love) felt like having a blindfold removed. I suddenly saw all the love I’d had this whole time. I am grateful. Nobody healed my heartache. I sat with it and was able to fix myself on my own. And I realized that real love comes first from within, not from anyone else. Today, I am so much stronger, wiser and so much more certain of myself. I am now watering my own garden, blooming where I have been planted and loving it. I love me. There’s no glorious revenge than living your best life.

Though I’ve endured pain, overcome heartbreaking experiences and I’m scared of letting someone in, I won’t close myself off completely. I’m allowing myself to be led by hope. I’m in the business of being awesome and the business is good.

HE WILL BREAK YOUR HEART

When I started this blog, I asked a friend of mine to write a guest post.
“About what?”
“Anything. Anything that comes to your mind”
Today, she called me and sent me this.

I always thought that if my boyfriend cheated on me, I would dump him there and then, without any regret. Cheating is a deal-breaker. I imagined it would be “We’re over. Leave”. I thought I would stick to this if he cheated. Well, he did. And I didn’t.
It’s so easy to judge someone who decides to stand by their SO who’s cheated. I’ve always been such a great judge of people’s behavior.
“I’d never stay with someone who betrayed my trust” That’s what I thought. But the truth is, you never know how you’ll respond to finding out about an infidelity until you’re in that unenviable situation.

A few weeks ago, I learnt the unthinkable: my 2-years boyfriend confessed to cheating on me. And got the girl pregnant. He’s expecting a baby, in months to come. I was in extreme shock when he told me. My world was shattered. I trusted love not to leave me hanging. But that’s what happened. It was as if the world stopped turning while I was left to make sense of how the person I had such faith in, could hurt me like that. This is a twist everyone in a committed relationship dreads facing the most, and now it’s happening to me. I spent hours struggling to come up with a solution. That night I cried myself to sleep. I spent the following day in bed, crying…my eyes were red and swollen.
One of the reasons I grew to love him as much as I did and still do, was because I never would’ve expected him to do anything like that. To say that I was devastated is an understatement. The trust is gone. I can’t describe the hurt I feel.
I cried for days…and I still cry. I’m having sleep and appetite disruptions and I am losing weight. Every morning, I wake up thinking…and all the emotions I am suppressing begin to bubble up and I can’t help it but think “How could he do that to me?” My mind has a massive amount of conflicting painful feelings.

However, as worse as it feels, it has certainly helped me grow. I’ve realized how strong I am, stronger than I thought. When he dropped the bomb on me, things felt like they were at their absolute worst. But I am not dead yet. Through this painful process, I’m learning a lot about myself. I’m extremely confused by how understanding and compassionate I feel towards him.
I could punish him for the way he hurt me and refuse to let him back in. I could ignore the feeling in my gut that tells me we could fix it. I could listen to the other voice telling me that people who hurt me don’t deserve a second chance. Or I could listen to my gut feeling…as complicated as things are, the love I feel isn’t complicated at all. And that’s what is making it easier to give it another try. I know what I feel. My heart still beats for him. My feelings are still strong. And I know that whatever gain or lesson is meant to come from our story, I won’t have to live with a what-if.
My love for him has rendered me very weak. 7 years ago, I too was offered a second chance. I lied to some people, knowing that it broke their hearts. But instead of giving up on me, they tried even harder to help me. By not giving up on me, they taught me what unconditional love really is. And now I want to help my boyfriend. I love him, and I don’t want to throw it all away without giving it another try. I’m a firm believer of second chances. I put myself in his shoes, and realized that I would want a second chance too, a chance to prove that I could change. That’s what everyone deserves.
These weeks are difficult. Especially because I have to pretend to be fine. I have to smile at everyone at work. I haven’t told anyone about this, not even the closest friend I have, my mom. As much as I want to be heard and comforted, I don’t think I am ready yet to handle the advice coming from every one, blasting in my ears. For now, I just write down everything in my diary. So, this is also a way of venting out.
There’s always been an emotional block between us. Even before the incident, sometimes I felt like shaking him and saying “Open up! We’ve been together for 2 years and we’re going nowhere”. I want us to have a healthy open discussion to let bygones be bygones, figure out why the cheating happened, what led to it in the first place, how we both may have contributed to it, and about how we can avoid our relationship failings in the future. But I can’t do all the work in figuring out how to get our relationship back on track. He has to step up and work to make our relationship better.

Truth is, I am terrified we might never be able to get back what we had. Because, I don’t trust him anymore, and trust is such a large part of love. And it’s of course impossible to predict the future and know if settling down for a second time is 100% the right move. I’m risking it and I am scared.
If he does screw up again, I am confident I’ll be able to walk away from this with dignity, knowing that I gave it everything I could. Relationships take real effort, and I’m ready to get to work.