UBUKWE BW’ABANYARWANDA (Igice cya 4)

Gusura umugeni

Hashiraga iminsi mike bakajya gusura umugeni. Hagendaga umushyingira, umukwe mukuru na musaza we, bakajyana inzoga, amata, ifu.

Barikaga amazi, maze bakavuga umutsima. Amazi yavomwaga n’umugabo na muramu we (umugabo yajyanaga ikibindi, muramu we akaza kukizamukana ku iriba). Umugeni, umusore, umushyingira n’umukwe mukuru bose bashyiraga inkono ku ziko icya rimwe bafatanyije. Bafataga agaseke karimo ifu y’amakoma, bagasuka ifu mu nkono irimo amazi yabize. Bafataga umwuko bose uko ari bane, bakavanga ya mazi n’ifu. Umutsima umaze gushya, uko ari bane, bahagurukiraga icya rimwe, bafashe umwuko bose, bagashyira umutsima mu cyibo, maze bakawusangira bose.

Kwogosha amasunzu

Musaza we ni we wamwogoshaga. Yaba atabizi, yamukozagaho icyuma, maze ababizi bakamwogosha. Umugabo we yagombaga gutanga isuka cyangwa igitare cyo guhongera umugore we ngo yemere ko bamuvanaho amasunzu. Bamaze kumwogosha amasunzu, umusatsi bawushyiraga mu gaseke kajemo ifu, bagashyiramo igitare cyangwa isuka, bagafata n’uruhu yatahanye, maze musaza we akabijyana iwabo. Yabiherezaga nyina ati: “Dore amasunzu y’umwana wawe koko yabaye umugore” 

Amasunzu n’uruhu byarabikwaga kugeza igihe umugeni abyariye. Uruhu rwambarwaga na murumuna we cyangwa nyina akarwisasira ku buriri kugeza rushaje.

Kuva ubwo bakaba babonye uburenganzira bwo gutaha mu rugo rwabo.

UMUGEREKA

Umugeni amaze gusama inda, ababyeyi n’umugabo bamwitaho, bakamurinda imirimo ivunanye nawe akirinda ibyatuma avanamo inda byose.

Inkuru imaze kumenyekana ko umubyeyi amaze kuruhuka, mu babyeyi b’aho yashatse n’aho avuka, bose bamuha impundu “Ahiiiiii, uwo mubyeyi niyonkwe”. Iwabo boherezaga nyina n’inzoga (bita MPORE KOMERA) zo kureba umwana yabyaye. Basigaraga bitegura kumuhemba. 

Umubyeyi yahamaga ku kiriri iminsi umunani. Ishize, umubyeyi yarasohokaga. Bakoraga umunsi mukuru wo kwerekana umubyeyi n’umwana yabyaye. 

Guhemba umubyeyi: ni ukumushimira ko yunguye umuryango, yawubyariye umutabazi cyangwa umugeni, ko yongereye amaboko aho yashatse. Ni no kumuha icyubahiro mu muryango yashatsemo, ntawashoboraga kumwirukana aho yabyaye. Imiryango yombi (aho avuka n’aho yashatse) ihemba umubyeyi. Ibihembo by’umubyeyi byari bigizwe n’ibintu byinshi birimo: 

  • inzoga z’amarwa n’inzagwa
  • amata menshi bitewe n’uko batunze
  • inkwi zo gucanira umubyeyi (byibura umuba umwe). 

Iyo yabaga yabyaye umuhungu, bajyanaga se w’umukobwa iyo yabaga akiriho. Iyo yabaga yabyaye umukobwa, hagendaga nyina cyangwa se wabo. 

Kwerekana umwana: umubyeyi yagiraga igihe akajyana umwana iwabo, kumwerekana. Ntiyagendaga imbokoboko, yajyanaga inzoga. Iwabo bashoboraga kumuha isuka, intama cyangwa inka iyo ari abatunzi.

Niyo umugabo yamutaye, aba afite uruhare mu munani w’umugabo wamushatse, ashobora guhama mu rugo rwe kuko abana bamuzirika aho yababyariye, bamuhesha icyubahiro iyo atananiranye ubwe. 

Indongoranyo: ni ikimenyetso cy’uko umuntu yakoye, akwiye kugarurirwa mu byo yatanze. Abakoye inka, ikabyara, ikororoka, batangaga indongoranyo yo gufasha abana bubatse. Yari uburyo bwo kugoboka abana. Umugeni ni we wayihabwaga, ntiyahabwaga umugabo we. Iyo inka yakowe yapfaga, badatunze izindi, barekeragaho.

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Gushyingira ni umwe mu mico abanyarwanda bahuriyeho impande zose. Ariko bamwe bafite ibyo bihariye, bitewe n’uturere bakomokamo.

Ibi byose nabikuye mu gitabo kitwa “UBUKWE BW’ABANYARWANDA” cyanditswe na Sylvestre NDEKEZI

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UBUKWE BW’ABANYARWANDA (Igice cya 3)

​IMIHANGO Y’INGENZI MU BUKWE MU RWANDA; HAMBERE.

6. KURONGORA

Uwo muhango ni wo ukomeye. Abakwe bamaze kugeza umugeni kwa sebukwe, abashyitsi barakirwa, bagahabwa inzoga. Babaga bateguye ikibindi cy’amarwa, n’imiheha y’abakwe n’abasangwa ingana. Habanzaga gusoma sebukwe n’umukwe mukuru, hanyuma hagasoma babiri mu bakwe na babiri mu basangwa. Bamaze kunywa, se w’umusore yahamagaraga umuhungu we ati: “Kanaka ngwino”. Umusore yarahagurukaga, se akamufata ukuboko bakagenda basanga aho umugeni yicaranye n’abandi bakobwa n’umushyingira. Umushyingira yigizagayo abakobwa bose, umugeni agasigara ahicaye. Mushiki we yabaga atwaye umwishywa (akatsi bazinze nk’urugori) n’imbazi (utubuto tw’imbazi baraduhondaga bakavanga n’amata y’inka y’isugi, ari yo nka itarapfushije). Umusore yamushyiragaho ikiganza, mushiki we akamuhereza imbazi mu nkongoro. Umusore yabundaga imbazi mu matama, agacira mu mutwe w’umugeni, agafata umwishywa akawamushyira mu mutwe ati: “Ndakurongoye, ndi mwene kanaka” akivuga. Abagore bakavuza impundu, abagabo bakivuga.

Birangiye umusore aba amaze kuba umugabo. Yasubiraga mu bagabo agahabwa intebe ye, bakamuha inzoga mu gacuma, akanywa wenyine.

  • Umugeni wabaga yakoreweho iyo mihango yumvaga ko yarongowe, umusore yabaga amufiteho uruhare, kandi n’ababyeyi be ntibashobore kumwima uwamurongoye. Uwo muhango ni wo wasimbuwe na “NDAMWEMEYE”. N’umugeni bibye atiteguye bakamwambika umwishywa cyangwa igikangaga, yumva ko yarongowe, bakamuha umugabo we. Bitamunogeye, yashaka akavayo kandi atakowe. Yashima umugabo we, bakazaza nyuma kumukwa, akubaka.

7. KWAKIRA UMWISHYWA

Umusore amaze gucira imbazi no kwambika umwishywa, mushiki we yafataga imbazi akazigumana. Umushyingira yambura umwishywa, akawizirikaho. Bagasuka imbazi nke mu nzoga.

  • Ababyeyi b’umuhungu bakira umwishywa:

Bajyaga ahiherereye kwakira umwishywa, nyuma bakagaruka mu bandi, inkera igakomeza kugeza bukeye. Abakobwa bararirimbaga bagahoza umugeni bati: “Ihorere mukobwa ubaye nk’abandi”.

Bukeye, abakwe bavugaga imisango (amagambo yo gusoza). Bavugaga ubutumwa bw’ababyeyi, bashingana umwana wabo (muzadufatire umwana neza, ananiranye muzamuhishire mumutwoherereze neza). Birangiye, bagaherekezwa.

  • Ababyeyi b’umugeni bakira umwishywa:

Bakiraga umwishywa ari uko abaherekeje umugeni bageze aho. Umwishywa bawujyanaga wose, imbazi bagatwara igice, ikindi cyasigaraga iwabo w’umuhungu. Umushyingira ni we wajyanaga imbazi, umwishywa n’inzoga y’umwishywa (iba irimo imbazi) mu gaseke. Ababyeyi b’umugeni baherezwa inzoga y’umwishywa bagasomaho hanyuma bakakira umwishywa. Ibyo ni byo byerekanaga ko umugeni yashyingiwe.

Birangiye, umukwe mukuru yavugaga uko bagiye, uko basohoje umugeni, uko bafashwe, uko baherekejwe. Hanyuma bagashimirwa, bakabazimanira.

  • Abageni bakira umwishywa:

Yaba ari umugeni waturutse bugufi cyangwa uwaturutse kure, babariraga ko ababyeyi b’umugeni bamaze kwakira umwishywa, na bo bakakira umwishywa.

Mu ijoro rikurikira umunsi w’ubukwe, umusore n’umugeni ni ho babonanaga.

GUCA HAGATI

Musaza w’umugeni wabaga yamuherekeje ni we wacaga hagati. Igihe cyateguwe mu rindi joro, bajyanaga umugeni n’umusore iwabo, musaza we akajyana na bo. Bagiye kubonana, musaza we yirambikaga hagati yabo. Umusore yabwiraga muramu we ati: “Mbisa” undi akanga. Yagombaga kumuhongera, akamuha inka cyangwa isuka cyangwa igitare cyangwa ikindi kintu, noneho muramu we akabava hagati, akisubirira mu bandi.

Guca hagati byari ukwerekana mushiki we, no kwerekana ko umugabo bamuhaye ari we koko, babanye ubwa mbere.

GUKIRANA: ni umugenzo wakorwaga mbere yo kuryamana, bakarwana barushanya imbaraga kugeza igihe umukobwa aganjirijwe, akemera. Umugeni babanzaga kumusiga amavuta menshi umusore yamufata akanyerera, ariko agakoresha imbaraga ze kugeza igihe amuganjirije.

Bakiranaga kugira ngo umugeni yerekane ko ari isugi, atararuwe n’ibyo, atari icyomanzi. 

UBUKWE BW’ABANYARWANDA (Igice cya 2)

​IMYITEGURO Y’UBUKWE

  • Umusore araye ari bushyingirwe:

Bamutegaga amasunzu, bakamwogosha ubwanwa, bakamuca inzara. Bamwambikaga impu z’imikane cyangwa indengera z’abagabo. Bamwambikaga ibitare n’inigi nshya. Umusore yarikenuraga hose, akabonera, abandi bahungu bakamwigisha uko azifata mu bukwe, uko azabana n’umugore, uko azarongora: gucira imbazi, kwambika umwishywa, gukirana. Abahungu bamuherekezaga hose bakamumara ubwoba, bakamutera ubutwaringo atazabaka ishema agahemuza umuryango.

Bateganyaga abahungu bajijutse, baboneye bo kuyobora umukwe no kumugira inama. Bakamurinda kwandagara, kwifata nabi, no gukubagana. Bamwigishaga uko azaramukanya, uko azifata mu bukwe, uko azicara, uko azavuga bamubajije, uko azivuga amaze kurongora. Babaga ari abarimu muri byose, mu muco, mu myifatire, mu mvugo no mu bitekerezo.

  • Umugeni araye ari bushyingirwe:

Bamwogoshaga amasunzu, bakamukenura hose. Umushyingira ni we wahindukaga umwigisha we. Ababyeyi bamutoreraga umwigisha uzi ubwenge, wubatse ndetse ubyaye, akaba umwegereye mu muryango wabo. Yamwigishaga uko azifata mu gihe cyo kurongorwa, uko azifata nahura n’umugabo we, uko azakirana. Yamwigishaga uko azatinya, akamwigisha kutazagira inda nini mu biryo (umugeni ntiyaryaga cyane, ahubwo yanywaga amata cyangwa ibindi byoroshye. Ntiyanywaga inzoga). Umugeni yagombaga kwisiga no kwiyuhagira kenshi. 

Batoraga abakwe benshi ko guherekeza umugeni, abagabo benshi n’abasore, n’abakobwa benshi. Bateguraga umwe muri basaza be, uzajya guca hagati. Batoranyaga umukobwa cyangwa umuja bazasigarana. Bateguraga uruhu rushya azagenda yambaye, bagategura n’intamyi zo kuboha, umubavu wo kujya yosa inkanda, bakamwigisha uko bayinyukanyuka, uko bayishishima. Bamwigishaga guteka, gusasa, gutegura mu nzu no kumenya kwakira abantu. Bamwigishaga uko bagira icyubahiro cy’abakuru, gutsinda sebukwe na nyirabukwe. Bamwigishaga n’indi migenzo y’abagore.

Ibyo umugeni yatahanaga ajya gushyingirwa, byari birimo:

  • igisabo cyo gucunda, cyagendaga imbere y’inka
  • urusyo n’ingasire
  • ubutega (ubugoyi, ubunyaga cyangwa ubujogano)
  • ibiseke birimo amavuta (amavuta yoseheje hamwe n’andi akuze yo guteka), imikondo, icwende
  • inkono ivuga
  • ikigagara (urutete rwo kwosa inkanda)
  • ibiremo byo kwihanaguza 
  • inkanda z’imikane zo kuryamamo no kwiyorosa

4. GUHEREKEZA UMUGENI

Imyiteguro mu muryango yombi yarangiye, hakurikiragaho kwohereza umukobwa ku bamusabyeho umugeni. Kera ubukwe bwatahaga nijoro. Nta mukobwa washoboraga kwijyana kwa sebukwe nk’aho nta muryango agira cyangwa nk’uwaciwe mu muryango. Yaraherekezwaga, bikerekana ko avuye mu muryango. Mu bamuherekeje, bamwe bagendaga bamuhetse, abandi bamushagaye. Umugeni yagendaga mu kirago.

5. KWAKIRA UMUGENI 

Abakwe bageze hafi y’aho bajya gushyingira, barisuganyaga, bakitunganya, bagakurikirana.  Abagabo bamwe bajyaga imbere, abandi bakajya inyuma y’abakwe bose. Abakobwa bajyaga hagati bakikije umugeni. 

Iyo bageraga iyo babaga bagiye, kwa se w’umuhungu bagombaga kwakira umushyitsi ubagendereye, ari we wagomba kuba umukazana wabo. Umugeni yakirwaga na sebukwe wabaga afashe icyuhagiro na nyirabukwe wabaga afashe umwuko. 

Mu irembo babaga bahatabye ingasire y’ikinanira, umugeni yahagera agashyiraho ibirenge byombi, akayihagararaho, bakamutera icyuhagiro. Bakamwokera, bamukoza umwuko ku ruhanga, mu gituza, ku ntugu zombi. Nk’uko yabaga yabibwiwe, yageraga mu marembo akanagira, agategereza ko bene urugo baza kuhamukura. Ntabwo bapfaga kuhamukura, bagombaga kugira icyo bamuha. Umugeni ntiyinjiraga mu nzu yo kwa sebukwe nta kintu arabona. Batangaga ibinyuranye bitewe n’uturere, hari aho batangaga inka cyangwa irindi tungo, abakene bagatanga isuka. Aho bitaberaga mu irembo, byaberaga mu irebe ry’umuryango. 
Umugeni yinjizwaga kwa sebukwe, akajya mu mbere hamwe n’abakobwa bose. Abakwe bakwaga inkoni zabo bakicwaza ukwabo (mu ruhande rwabo bihariye) bakurikije uko basumbana. Bakabazimanira inzoga y’amarwa n’urwagwa, bagatarama kugeza igihe umusore ahamagarwa na se ngo arongore.

UBUKWE BW’ABANYARWANDA (Igice cya 1)

Iyo umuhungu cyangwa umukobwa, babonaga ko akuze, ababyeyi bajyaga inama yo kumushyingira. Ababyeyi bombi bamaze kuzuza inama, babimenyeshaga inshuti zabo. Umuryango umaze kubyemeza, bashakaga abaranga. Bakagenzura uwo bazashyingiranwa. Bakabaza mu nshuti, mu bamenyi babo, mu bavandimwe, bakagerageza kubona umugeni cyangwa umusore utunganye.
Ababyeyi bihatiraga gushyingira heza, gushyingira neza, bakubakira abana koko.

1. KURANGA/KURANGIRA

Kuranga/kurangira byari ukumenya umugeni cyangwa umusore usaba umugeni. Abaranga babaga ari abantu bakuru bazi kureba, kwitegereza, gushungura, gusesengura, hanyuma bakazashyikiriza ubutumwa ababyeyi bombi. Umuryango w’umuhungu watoranyirizwaga n’abaranga bawo, n’uw’umukobwa bikagenda uko. Ntawashyingiraga aho atazi, adafite umuntu we. 

Abaranga bagombaga kugenzura ibintu byinshi birimo: 

  • kumenya ubwiza, uburere, umubano w’aho basaba cyangwa aho umugeni azashyingirwa
  • kumenya ko nta sano umusore n’umukobwa bafitanye
  • kumenya umuryango umusore/umugeni avukamo, imico n’umutungo bafite
  • kumenya ko nta nenge iri mu muryango bagiye gushyingira (ubuhemu, ubugiranabi, urubwa, ubunebwe, kwiyandarika…) 

Ababyeyi bashoboraga kohereza umusore cyangwa umukobwa ku muranga cyangwa inshuti, akamara iminsi/ibyumweru, akirebera uwo uwo bamusabira/umusaba. Yashima akemera, yamugaya agahakana.

Umuranga amaze kubona umukobwa utunganye (mwiza, w’umutima, w’imico myiza,…) yabimenyeshaga ababyeyi b’umuhungu, na bo bakabimenyesha ab’umukobwa. Ababyeyi b’umukobwa nabo bamaze kumva iyo nkuru nziza, uko umuhungu ateye, uburere n’ibindi, bakaraguza, bakanaterekera. Nyuma bagasubiza iwabo w’umuhungu ko bemeye ko bazaza gusaba umukobwa wabo.

2. GUSABA UMUGENI

Iyo bwabaga ari ubwa mbere bagiyeyo, gusaba umugeni hagendaga se w’umuhungu kuko ari we nyiri umuryango. Iyo yabaga atagifite akabaraga ko kugenda cyangwa atakiriho, boherezaga umusimbura akaba ari we ujyayo mu kigwi cye. Umusimbura yabaga ari undi muntu wo mu muryango, yashoboraga kuba se wabo w’umuhungu. Mu gusaba ntawagendaga wenyine, hagendaga byibuze abantu bagera kuri bane. Iruhande rwabo hagendaga abandi bikoreye inzoga babatuye, kubera ko mu Kinyarwanda nta jambo ryambaye ubusa, kandi ngo ijambo rivugishijwe amatama gusa ntiryumvikana. Iyo bamaraga kwica akanyota, basubiraga mu misango noneho yo gusaba umugeni. 

Batangaga inkwano. Bamwe batangaga inka, abandi amasuka, abandi batangaga amatungo (ihene). Ibyo bajyanaga byagendaga bisumbana bitewe n’uturere n’umutungo w’umuryango.

  • Twibuke ko gusaba umugeni mu wundi muryango kwari ugushaka amaboko, umuryango ukaba mugari, ku buryo bazajya batabarana mu gihe cy’ibyago.
  • Inkwano itabonetse, batangaga umugeni w’ubuntu. Umugeni w’ubuntu yari asanzwe mu Rwanda. Baritondaga bagahaha, bakazabona gukwa, inkwano imaze kuboneka. Itabonetse bagakomeza kubaka. Inkwano ntiyarimo umururumba, ntiyarimo inyungu cyane, n’inzoga zatangwaga nazo zari nkeya hose.

    3. GUTEBUTSA

    Gutebutsa ni ukujya kubaza no kuvuga igihe bazashyingirirwa. Umuryango w’umuhungu umaze kwemererewa umugeni, baratanze n’inkwano, hakurikiragaho umuhango wo gutebutsa. Wari umuhango wo gusaba uruhushya rwo kuzarongora, kuko nyiri umukobwa ni we wategekaga se w’umuhungu. Se w’umuhungu yasangaga uw’umukobwa bakavugana igihe, bagahana gahunda yo gushyingira. Imiryango yombi yerekana ibyifuzo byayo, bakajya impaka kugeza bumvikanye. Mu gutebutsa, bajyanaga inzoga imwe cyangwa ebyiri kandi hagendaga abaje gusaba umugeni. Habonetse impamvu, zibuza abasabye kujyayo, nibwo boherezaga abandi mu kigwi cyabo, kandi bakavuga impamvu aba mbere baje gusaba batabonetse.

    Bashoboraga gutinza ubukwe kubera imyiteguro. Gushyingira ntibihubikirwa. Umusore n’umugeni bagomba kwitegura, iwabo bagomba kwitwerereza mu nshuti no mu bavandimwe, bagombaga gutora umukwe mukuru n’umushyingira. Rimwe na rimwe bashoboraga kubabwira kuzaza kubaza ikindi gihe, na none bakazana inzoga baje kubaza. Byashoboraga gutinda amezi ndetse n’umwaka ugashira undi ugataha cyangwa bikihuta.

    I’m in the business of being awesome and the business is good.

    You lied to me and let me pour myself into you. I loved you. Always will. I fell in love, watched it grow, watched it change, and watched it fall apart. I stretched my heart for you but you bruised it. I hoped to find love but instead I found a beautiful disaster. Whatever we had (for lack of a better term) was built on a strong foundation of (my) delusion and (your) lies. I knew how crappy it was, but I couldn’t bring myself to walking out (damn comfort zone!) because you are/were the king of mixed signals. Every time I was starting to close the door, you knocked with the I LOVE YOUs, I NEED YOUs, I MISS YOUs and I would let you in. My worst fear in relationships is not knowing whether someone will hurt me or not. But you did. 
    You not only did not love me back, you were pursuing a relationship with another girl you really saw a future with. And you also cheated, but didn’t have the balls to tell me or try to work it out so you just put her photo on your profile, in the hopes that I would ask about her (dear God…) I inevitably found out the truth (about the cheating)… I was utterly heartbroken and overcame with grief that I just wanted to crawl into a hole and stay hidden there. 

    There are thousands of ways to get your heart broken; but, none are worse than getting cheated on. To be honest, cheating is something I never condoned nor even understood. I couldn’t understand how someone who said he loved me could treat me like how you did. I was inconsolable for weeks. It threw my heart off balance. Cheating is the worst. I thought I was smart, beautiful, caring, loving, a great partner…but then you threw me to the side as if I were garbage, and there I was, wondering if I was as great of a catch as I thought I was. I thought something was wrong with me and that’s a shitty feeling. How the hell did you even sleep at night? 

    Heads up guys: we are not fragile dolls. You can tell us the truth, we can take it.

    You disappointed me once again (when you suddenly fell off the radar yet I needed your help). I called for hours (that turned into days) but you didn’t return none of my calls. I texted you a zillion times, nothing. That was going to be the last time you would let me down. We were friends (at least I thought so). You were one of my closest friends, if not the closest. We laughed about things completely mundane. You meant everything to me. But that time I realized that I had been wrong on the friend part, it wasn’t real. Suddenly that perfect perception of you was tainted. And thanks to that, I now see you without your masks. I now see you as someone whom NOT to call when things go rotten.

    You sent texts days later, but I didn’t reply. You kept sending texts and seemed not to understand why I never replied to any of them. Why would I? So that you could lie to me again? So that you could say “sorry”? To be blunt, I just hoped what was left of your conscience pained you to such a degree that the only way to relieve the pressure was to come clean. I’d gotten tired of your coward intentions. I stopped trying to understand why you couldn’t be authentic. Besides, one doesn’t need to warn anyone when cutting them off, they just do it silently and peacefully. Even though it was hard, I finally did it…cold, clean and remorseless. It’s very okay to walk away from someone/something that hurts you. No blame or justification, you just stop fanning the flames. I cut you off because it was necessary, not just because I wanted revenge. I vowed not to repeat my mistake again. I didn’t (and still don’t) want to compromise myself like I did before, because I’m better off without the thought of when you will run off without notice. I’ve promised to never put myself in a situation where I don’t know where I stand in someone’s life again, where I feel unsteady and unloved.

    Sometimes one can’t really see the damage until they force themselves out of the situation. I’ve worked so hard to finally love myself and to believe that I’m deserving of happiness and love. I no longer toy around relationships where someone hurts me over and over again because they value their own comfort above my happiness. I know how to be by myself, I know how to enjoy my own company. I’m not angry. Neither do I hate you. However, I don’t care about you the same way anymore, because you hurt me. Really badly. And you know this. Rather I hate your hypocrisy. I hate your lies. Lies that you kept feeding me till you sent me to a painful place that I wanted to run away from, but couldn’t because one doesn’t get to run from oneself. Rather, I sat in the pain, cried about it and prayed about it. There’s no exit route for pain. I started from there, accepted it, built myself again, replenished myself after you’d took so much from me, nurtured myself and grew from there. I still continue to recover from the pain. My heart is still healing, and a part of it is still going to have that scar from giving all of me to someone who didn’t want it. 

    I’m so glad that we broke up and that you didn’t make up your mind to come back when I was still waiting for you. For that I thank God all the time because, there is no delicate way to put this so I am just going to say it: you were a bad guy. But you helped me in the end. I may have lost you but I gained back myself and all my self-respect I had lost with you. You helped me see what I don’t want in a partner. Some things that happen to you and you realize later that it was because God needed to use you for the benefit of others and for your own happiness. It was necessary to hurt to have learned what I learned. I learned that sometimes you have to experience what it means not to be loved in order to know what love is when you finally find it.

    There’s a misconception that people who are/have been hurt, end up hurting other people. People who use their pain to give others pain. Heartbreak is inevitable and we are all hurting in one way or another but not all of us are out to hurt others. Just because your heart is broken, doesn’t mean you have to break someone’s heart too since you’re too immature to know out what to do with it. Because having had my heart broken, I learned to forgive. But I can never forget how a broken heart feels.
    I’ve been through enough to trust my gut instinct and to stick with it. I trust my intuition will lead me to light. Most of all, I trust myself enough to know that I wouldn’t choose to be with someone who doesn’t deserve me, again. I still love, but I love myself more. And I’m still very much afraid of pain but I’m not afraid of being vulnerable.

    After the heartbreak, I was a broken girl with trust issues. A girl who needed to learn how to love herself. A girl who hadn’t yet let go of the wrong person she was holding onto. I hadn’t forgiven you. But was that the hill I wanted to die on? No! Today, as I write this, I have forgiven you because there’s no longer room in my heart for that kind of baggage. Life’s too short to carry such a burden. I know that I am complete, without my partner. I recognize my flaws and pledge to work hard on taking my flaws with strength and to be comfortable in my own skin.

    The happy ending of my story is that getting over you (who never shared my love) felt like having a blindfold removed. I suddenly saw all the love I’d had this whole time. I am grateful. Nobody healed my heartache. I sat with it and was able to fix myself on my own. And I realized that real love comes first from within, not from anyone else. Today, I am so much stronger, wiser and so much more certain of myself. I am now watering my own garden, blooming where I have been planted and loving it. I love me. There’s no glorious revenge than living your best life.

    Though I’ve endured pain, overcome heartbreaking experiences and I’m scared of letting someone in, I won’t close myself off completely. I’m allowing myself to be led by hope. I’m in the business of being awesome and the business is good.

    Invest In People

    ​It’s not everyday that you see a dead body. Last night, I did. His name is (or was?) Sibomana. He was crossing the road when a car hit him. Maybe, he was going to the shops to buy something for his wife and their baby. I don’t know. But he died on spot. His lifeless body, covered by a kitenge, lay by the roadside. His sandals arranged by his feet. His head had been crushed and you could see a stream blood running from under the kitenge covering his body, and onto the tarmac. The car was parked, just a few meters from where his body lay. His wife sat there, numb.
    It is poignant to watch a vulnerable person like her in a such painful situation.

    Sibomana died last night, and I realized how extremely fragile our lives are. I truly realized how transient life is. Every time we are potentially flirting with death. You could lead a healthy lifestyle – drinking 2l of water a day, exercising regularly, eating vegetables & fruits – just choke on your own saliva and die, leaving behind guys who smoke and eat fries daily. At any given moment, one’s life can end in any number of unexpected ways. You don’t even need to do anything risky to die. One minute you could be walking to the shops to buy groceries and next minute a car hits you and you die. Like Sibomana. Or you could be showering, slide on the slippery bathtub floor, snap your neck and die. Or you could be having lunch, choke on a bone and die. Or you could be shot to death. You just have to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, and a bullet hits you. Or you could be declared dead untimely. You be screaming but nobody hears or answers you. You can’t move. It’s dark, you’re running out of air and no one can save you. No one knows you’re there. Then your world becomes soft and foggy and everything fades to black. Nothingness. Long and empty. And you’re gone. Or even, you could think that you have superpowers, jump off a very tall building and die.

    Though a common preferred way to die, is in bed (pure, perfect, uninterrupted sleep) we don’t get to choose how we die. At the very least we don’t think we will die in a gruesome, brutal way. Yet sometimes, someone is just unlucky and dies in a strange and terrifying way, like Richard. I remember vividly the night when Richard died. Earlier that day, he’d been complaining about having a headache and couldn’t see. That day he was taken to Ndera (the Psychiatric Hospital). He was admitted, was scheduled to undergo head scans the next day. Unfortunately, he died that night and shocked everyone. Death took his life, leaving behind his old grandma who was completely dependent on him. I didn’t make it to his burial but I imagined the profound sadness that enveloped his grandma during his burial. I wished I could restore his life, for his wailing grandmother.

    Sibomana and Richard probably never thought they would die that day, just like you don’t think you’ll die any time before your unfinished business. But the truth is that you could. 

    Richard’s and Sibomana’s deaths reset an already existing reflection in my head. Why do we fail to show love and care for the people we claim to love whilst they are still alive? Like, someone lays ill in a hospital bed for months, with no caregiver, nothing to eat. Though the person would so much enjoy a visit from relatives/friends, no one shows up. But the very moment the person draws their last breath, the relatives who had not seen him/her in decades show up out of the blue, crocodile tears flowing plenty. Makes one wonder where the so-called relatives and friends were when they were very much needed. The hypocrisy is mad sickening. 

    I’ve witnessed where upon the death of an old man, the relatives quickly re-innovated his house, painted it, put electricity and everything, so that the funeral be held in a decent place. They be mourning and groaning inappropriately. The hypocrisy that the mourners display is shocking. One would say that maybe they were trying to make up for what they had failed to do before, but it was too late. The old man was gone. Nothing could make up for the hurt they’d caused him. Yes, we should show love and respect to the deceased, but how about we show the same love and respect whilst they are still alive? How about we come together to help before the person dies?

    People matter more than anything, more than money. People matter more than the things we kill ourselves to get. People matter more than another plot you want to buy, or another house you want to purchase. We should place value on people, not on money. We should invest in people. Because when the curtains close, all these things we kill ourselves to get won’t matter if you are alone at your deathbed.

    Nothing exposes the ugly face behind the mask of concern that people wear, like death and funerals. That’s why I have always hated the hypocrisy at funerals. Sometimes it feels like funerals are for displaying the mask of concern that people wear and for showing how much they’ve been able acquire in life. Well, people are entitled to honor their loved ones in ways they please… But, funerals ought to be about giving support to the relatives of the deceased and to comfort them while celebrating the life of the deceased. To acknowledge the pain that comes from the demise of a loved one and help begin the healing process.  

    Did They Do It To You Too?

    It is beautiful outside. The sun is REALLY shining. Birds are chirping. It is summer, which means weddings, which means gutwerera and bridal showers (and the inevitable pressure that comes with weddings). Almost every weekend on your calendar is booked. Every now and then, you get texts reminding you to attend those wedding planning meetings (a.k.a. the fundraisers). You groan everytime you get such a text. 

    If you are a chick and also a friend to the soon-to-be bride, you’ll be added to a new WhatsApp Group called ‘Gisele’s bridal shower’, then the fun will begin (Hehe). The admin will welcome you all and inform you that it’ll be a surprise for the bride (bya he?) and that the shower is due in 2 weeks. She’ll proceed to tell you that the contribution is fixed at not less than 5000frw, followed by contact details to transfer the cash to. Dress code: all white. 

    For me, the concept of sitting in a room with a bunch of women (whom I don’t know) while one special lady sits on a throne-like chair for hours freaks me out. I hate bridal showers. However, I don’t hate showers out of jealousy or the urge to be on the receiving end. Naah! I may say that I hate showers and be told “Do not worry, it’ll be your turn soon” Hehe! I can’t even predict what the next day of my life will look like, let alone harbor the idea of getting married and having babies! Anyhow, I know that couples need household items, and we all need all the help we can get. But isn’t that what wedding gifts are meant for? I find these showers unnecessary. And I always wonder why these bridal showers don’t include men? If the marriage is between a man and a woman (as per Rwandan Constitution), why should the shower be an all-female event? Also, men have money, and more money equals more gifts, and we all know that showers are gift-grab events.

    Bridal showers aside. There’s also the (inevitable) pressure that comes with weddings. The pressure of being single. I don’t feel the pressure on the daily, but when I get ‘save the date’, I can’t help but think “am I missing something?”. I wonder why the fuck am I single? And there’s always that relative or your mother’s friend who for whatever reason needs to know why I’m still in school after so long, why I’m still single, and what I’m doing about it. Like my choices are any of their damn business. They be giving subtle hints like “Ko ntacyo wibwira?” or “Uzaduha inzoga ryari?” These old guys are unimpressed by one’s ambitious pursuits and be reinforcing notions that marriage and babies should be the primary focus in our lives

    *rolls eyes*

    Anyways, it is wedding season, remember? Which means that you need several outfits so that you won’t be wearing the same outfit to different ceremonies. You wore the red and black dress to Fiona’s wedding and to Alice’s introduction. You wore the long blue dress to Mutesi’s introduction and to Jack’s wedding last month. You don’t want to wear the black and white dress to Fred’s wedding, since you wore it last weekend. So, there’s one person you need: a tailor.

    You’ve got a piece of fabric/material. You’ve already chosen your own style. You ask your friend, Solange and she recommends a tailor. Mama Sumaya is her name. You have hope. You tell Mama Sumaya that Solange recommended her, and you proceed to tell her that there’s a wedding in 3 weeks that you plan on wearing the dress to. She seems to pay attention and nods. You show her the style and she immediately says that she can sew it. Hmm. You explain that you want it embroidered with black and she still nods. You agree on the price, pay 50% (the remaining is to be paid when you pick your dress) and take her contact number. 3 days before the wedding, you remind her that you’ll be coming to pick the dress the next day. The next day, you try reaching her but both her Tigo and MTN lines are switched off. After a couple of times, you finally get through to her but she doesn’t pick up. You text her but get no reply from her. Then you know that something is wrong. You text her that you want your dress or the material in whatever form. And that’s when she comes clean with you, telling you that she had finished the dress but burnt it while ironing it. Hehe! How does one cope with such?

    It’s like tailors find it easy to let people down. If there’s anything that tailors can teach someone, it’s patience and the importance of having plan B. When you take your material to the tailor for sewing, just add 2 weeks (before the expected time) for adjustments here and there…maybe too tight or a bit loose (when she takes your measurements but then decides not to use them) or when the tailor decides to remix your style, because well you know tailors and their madness. Like, when you repeatedly tell her to use black embroidery but instead uses yellow embroidery.
    Speaking of plan Bs, your outfit is burnt (sorry) so you have to find another one. And it’s not easy to pick out an outfit. You stare at your closet, wondering if you don’t own anything nice. After an hour or so, you’re dressed and out the door. You arrive at the reception hall. Only 30 minutes late. Good thing, the newly-weds have not arrived at the reception hall yet. 50 minutes later, the newly-weds still have not yet arrived at the reception hall. They are still taking pictures. You are wondering why the reception hasn’t begun, yet. Why aren’t you at least drinking? The drinks are right there. You could grab one. But you have to wait. I have many problems with the food aspect of weddings. You never know what to expect. At most weddings, there’s only cake and fanta (that is if you’re seated in the front rows). If you’re very lucky, there’s take-away (bread, a slice of potato, and a tiny meatball). I miss that time when they served food and beer during wedding receptions. Weddings are about celebrating the union of 2 people. But what’s a celebration without food and drinks?

    Anyways, you’ve already eaten your cake. So, it’s time to go home.

    Happy Wedding Season to you all.