The longer you go by yourself, the weirder you get; and the weirder you get, the longer you go by yourself.
~ Jim Shepard
Sing it, Shepard! 🎶🎵
Why are you angry?
People have been asking me that a loooot. I’m inclined to start saying yes. It used to bug me when people asked me that. A woman asked me that when I was at the migration offices, to collect my passport; and then a migration officer asked me that at the migration offices, because I looked angry (well, I was just sitting minding my business). They even ask me that at the market while I’m doing some shopping. And did I mention how shopping puts me in all the right moods? I’m a shopaholic, I confess. Yet someone asks me that while I’m shopping!?
I used to smile and explain that I am okay. “No, no, no, I’m not angry at all!” I am great even. But lately, I have gotten tired of trying to explain that I ain’t angry or even smiling so that people are okay with my face. I don’t mind looking angry or mad anymore. You see, I may be in the happiest mood, and my heart may be doing them crazy somersaults, but then my face be like that of a cold-hearted ruthless manslayer. Because, for reasons He hasn’t disclosed to me yet, God chose to give me this face, that looks like an angry face to everyone. It’s my face, get used to it.
This summer, I did a self-examination. Though it was short-lived, the results showed that:
- I am funny (in texts) but shy in person. And quiet in nature.
- I am mature but not mature-mature.
- I am very lazy, but again, highly motivated.
- I am layered like an onion. I don’t even understand myself sometimes.
So, I am seen as a weird person (you can’t win with people). But I’m still the funniest person I know. My mind is always busy with fun things. Like, I’ll be thinking about helping the Winchester brothers fight off them supernatural creatures when I’m attacked by a random person asking why I am angry. You think I’m angry, right? Well, yeah, now I am. The question makes my heart swell. And nowadays, I’m terrified that one day I’m going to lose it and hurl a series of offensive statements, as I walk away…
I’ve come to accept this truth about myself. I find it tiring being too busy trying not to be weird, or pretending not to be. And I no longer mind how people see me. Wait…did I just say see me? So, people can (really) see me? Hehe. Well, I hope they see me as a very cool person. Okay, okay, they never seem to notice me. So, how would I know how they see me?
But anyways, what’s wrong with being a weirdo anyway? Nothing. Weirdness. I know a thing or two about being a weird person. Being weird is very OK. As long it’s the good kind of weird, a good weird that serves a purpose. Not the awful, creepy, grotesque kind of weird, as they are listed as the synonyms to the word weird. You see, by nature, I am a quiet person and an introvert. I don’t do small talk, and the idea of starting a conversation with a stranger completely paralyzes me. But since that’s what normal people do, being normal like everyone else scares the hell out of me. I spent years hating how socially awkward I am. I often questioned why on earth I was chosen to be like that. And I have tried my whole life to change that. But it seems that I am just a born weirdo. And no, I don’t hate people. I’m just against the usual rules of society. I like other ways of getting along with people. Ways that most people consider weird. Ways that have nothing to do with exchanging small talk with other people. Thus, I am weird.
I’m weird because I like being alone. I’m weird because I imagine a loooot. I’m weird because I can stay indoors the whole day, watching movies all by myself. I’m weird because I don’t like talking (to strangers). I usually walk wearing my earphones even when there’s nothing playing, just to avoid people talking to me. But sometimes, a person clearly sees that I’m wearing earphones and will still try to start a conversation? Really? What’s wrong with people anyway? I’m even weirder because I’m a funny yet quiet person. I have always been told that I should be more talkative with people.
That makes my blood boil! I’ll take weird over that any day. People don’t get it that if I’m leaving you alone it’s because either I don’t like you or I feel we are not connecting or you bore me or I know I’m going to bore you or I would rather be doing something else right now than talking to you. Instead, they be there, suggesting that I should be more talkative. And because I’m not, they label me as weird. And think that because I’m a quiet person, I am angry as well. Hehe. Apparently, I’m not supposed to be quiet and happy. How ironic! Well get it from me…I ain’t angry. I am happy. I am content with my life.
I’m embracing my odd, outlandish, weird nature.