I used to think that the worst thing in the world is losing someone you love. But I was wrong. The worst thing and biggest mistake one can make is losing oneself in the process of valuing someone too much. And forgetting that you too are special. I’ve learned the hard way that the worst kind of pain is that without open wounds or broken bones and that it hurts the most. And leaves the biggest scars.
A year and a half ago, I got my heart broken and it truly almost killed me. 5 years earlier, I’d met a guy and fell for him. Let’s just say that I thought I was lucky to have found him and I held on to him like I’d found the cure for world peace (Hehe). I thought things were perfect and that they’d never fall apart. Then all hell broke loose when he told me the truth (or part of it). His words were like a glass splinter working its way into my heart. I was devastated. I’m convinced that different people awaken different beasts in you. I felt unlovable and worthless. I was left in a million twisted little pieces. There were endless questions without answers. I questioned my worth.
After numerous (failed) attempts to save the relationship, it was time to unfuck myself and be who I was before all the sh*t that dimmed my shine happened. I’d to let my weird light shine bright again. I’d to forget what I felt and remember what I deserve. I prayed hard to find the strength to let go of him and to forgive him. Holding a grudge was too heavy a burden to carry. Though it was a long and ugly process, I have forgiven him. But I must admit that I wouldn’t have forgiven him without Divine intervention.
Everyone’s been lied to, used, betrayed, and hurt. A strong person falls down, gets up, tries again, perseveres no matter what life throws at them and faces tomorrow with a smile. Because there’s nothing painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong. Frankly, I never thought there was anything good about being hurt by someone you love. I never thought I could possibly learn anything from being hurt. Yeah, it’s a shitty feeling in the beginning.
I often gave myself pep talks, like “Don’t be sad, you’re doing great“; “Angela you’ll be fine, love you“; “Don’t give up God will give you the strength to overcome this“; “This too shall come to pass“… I distracted myself by trying to think about someday when all the pieces would finally come together. The day I would look back at the times that had passed, smile, and ask myself, “How did I get through all of that?” The moment I got past the hurt, I was able to see the beauty in the situation.
I was able to look out for myself and it has effortlessly benefited me. I embraced my new-found single life. I was able to reflect on what had happened and realized that I was the shit whether he wanted to be with me or not. I discovered strengths I didn’t know I had. I have only one life and I ain’t spending it crying miserably. I got cautious with my time and energy.
As if I wasn’t having a bad time enough, INES joined forces to make it worse. Completing my dissertation was a frustrating struggle. After applying for permission to collect data, I finally got clearance after much delay (4 long months of waiting, yet initially I was told it took only 3 weeks). Carrying out a research study demands lots and lots of patience. Then there was this lady (the boss) I’ll call Eva who wasn’t helpful at all. For weeks, instead of giving me what I needed, she kept giving me excuses…”This week is accreditation week, come back next week on Monday“, “We are very busy, come next week“, “Not today, come back next week” I was hammered with endless and pathetic excuses. Every time Eva saw me walk in her office, I swear she wanted to punch a hole in her desk. Hehe. But I couldn’t understand what she wanted. Maybe I looked like someone coming straight from the village with no Biomedical background at all. But it wasn’t like I was going to publish the data on this blog. Or discuss it with everyone in my neighborhood. Neither was it like she was giving me the country’s top secret files or nuclear weapons launch codes. Well, I thought that as long as I had clearance, she had no choice but to give me the data. My assumption was wrong.
After 4 extra months of more brouhaha, I was running out of time. I had no choice but to change and go for another (much simpler) topic that wouldn’t demand much time to complete. I designed questionnaires, wrote the proposal and it was approved for the next step. Data collection is always the hardest part. You spend 10 minutes explaining the nature and purpose of your study (to participants) and only 2 agree to participate. Though it was their right not to participate, I felt like screaming. Anyways, some were very sweet and completed the questionnaires swiftly. I finally got the data I needed and went through with analysis. Working with my supervisor who didn’t respond in a timely manner to written work I submitted, was equally frustrating but together we managed to get it done. Submitting my work to the department was even more frustrating. I was pissed at everyone at INES and hated them, at equal measures.
At this point, I know that all wounds, no matter how bad, heal in time. I’ve realized that this is a cold world, so I’ve learnt to put my feelings in my pocket. However, I know for a fact that I’m loved. I know that I mean the world to some people and that they care a lot for me. Through all this, I always got support. Whenever someone asked how far I was with my dissertation, and I told them that I was stuck at some point, they either comforted me or offered support that ranged from financial help (money) to free printing services. I would have become insane without these very people. Bless you all.
These people also restored my hope in love. After the breakup (probably the ugliest in human history) I thought I was unlovable because I measured my lovability based on him. However, being shown immense love and endless support, opened my eyes to see that there’s nothing wrong with me. Absolutely nothing. And I know that there’s always another fish in the sea and that not all guys are the same. Just because one hurt me, doesn’t mean the next one will hurt me, too. I don’t doubt that there are still some good men out there. So, I won’t deny myself a chance to be happy. And the statement “If you can love the wrong one so much, just imagine how much you can love the right one” reminds me of all that I can offer. So yeah, I’m still waiting for mine…
The pain is still there. It never really goes away. However, it doesn’t keep me awake at night thinking about what could have been. Nor does it make me cry. It does it make me hate him, either. Instead I thank him for teaching me a valuable life lesson.
Looking back on 2016, I see how much God has protected me, and how much He’s blessed my life. I entered 2017 happy and very single.
Happy New 2017 y’all.
P.S. To all the men and women out there who broke our hearts, thank you for helping us grow.