This morning I prayed.
As usual I woke up, dragged myself into the bathroom and had a shower. It was raining. And there was no way I was going to work in the rain, so I took my time.
This November has been the worst month of 2015, so far. Someone I hold dear to my heart, hurt me. It has left me dealing with emotional trauma and feelings of sadness, anger and resentment. Ever since, my world has gone dark. And I’ll never be the same again. To say I’m heartbroken is an understatement.
Well, I’m still alive. However I feel numb.
So, this morning as I was sitting on my bed getting ready for work, the sadness crept over me again. One moment I might seem happy then the next I’m coiled up in grief.
I’m not the kind of person who seeks refuge in prayer. But then I thought “why not pray?” To be honest, I didn’t really know what to say. I just closed my eyes and shut out every thought.
I sat there for like 2 minutes, my eyes closed…then opened up and poured out my feelings. To The Only One who can hear me. I cried out to The One who can comfort me. The One who can walk with me through these untravelled roads of life. The One who’s been watching me struggle and been waiting for me to come running to Him for help. It’s very comforting to know that someone is there for me. And this gives me strength.
I felt ashamed coming before God after all this time I’ve been comfortable with my own life, leaving Him out. I felt ashamed of turning back to Him only when I needed to be fixed. I know God is everywhere. And I know that He knows every single detail of my life. He knows what I’m going through and He knew what I was going to say even before I did. Sometimes God wants to be asked to help. So, I prayed.
It seems all hope is lost but only God’s intervention can restore this. So I lay all my problems at God’s feet. I have hope that things will turn out fine. They may not turn out the way I want them to, but will turn out how God wants them to. And it’s better than I can imagine now.
Everything happens for a reason. This hurtful incident has changed me, and still is changing me. I am learning lessons and growing.
At first I was angry. Very angry. The first few weeks I was transitioning from denial to anger to sadness to denial again. Now I’m in the forgiving stage. I never knew I could be able to forgive. But I have forgiven this person.
I feel my heart has been lifted. The anger is gone. Not completely. But I’m striving to be the best I can be. I wish to continue this journey, to being my own kind of beautiful.
God is never wrong. Everything He does is perfect. I’m trusting His timing.
I’m not good at it but I’ll keep doing it.
And on the wings of prayer, my burdens will take flight.