When I started this blog, I asked a friend of mine to write a guest post.
“Anything. Anything that comes to your mind”
Today, she called me and sent me this.
I always thought that if my boyfriend cheated on me, I would dump him there and then, without any regret. Cheating is a deal-breaker. I imagined it would be “We’re over. Leave”. I thought I would stick to this if he cheated. Well, he did. And I didn’t.
It’s so easy to judge someone who decides to stand by their SO who’s cheated. I’ve always been such a great judge of people’s behavior.
“I’d never stay with someone who betrayed my trust” That’s what I thought. But the truth is, you never know how you’ll respond to finding out about an infidelity until you’re in that unenviable situation.
A few weeks ago, I learnt the unthinkable: my 2-years boyfriend confessed to cheating on me. And got the girl pregnant. He’s expecting a baby, in months to come. I was in extreme shock when he told me. My world was shattered. I trusted love not to leave me hanging. But that’s what happened. It was as if the world stopped turning while I was left to make sense of how the person I had such faith in, could hurt me like that. This is a twist everyone in a committed relationship dreads facing the most, and now it’s happening to me. I spent hours struggling to come up with a solution. That night I cried myself to sleep. I spent the following day in bed, crying…my eyes were red and swollen.
One of the reasons I grew to love him as much as I did and still do, was because I never would’ve expected him to do anything like that. To say that I was devastated is an understatement. The trust is gone. I can’t describe the hurt I feel.
I cried for days…and I still cry. I’m having sleep and appetite disruptions and I am losing weight. Every morning, I wake up thinking…and all the emotions I am suppressing begin to bubble up and I can’t help it but think “How could he do that to me?” My mind has a massive amount of conflicting painful feelings.
However, as worse as it feels, it has certainly helped me grow. I’ve realized how strong I am, stronger than I thought. When he dropped the bomb on me, things felt like they were at their absolute worst. But I am not dead yet. Through this painful process, I’m learning a lot about myself. I’m extremely confused by how understanding and compassionate I feel towards him.
I could punish him for the way he hurt me and refuse to let him back in. I could ignore the feeling in my gut that tells me we could fix it. I could listen to the other voice telling me that people who hurt me don’t deserve a second chance. Or I could listen to my gut feeling…as complicated as things are, the love I feel isn’t complicated at all. And that’s what is making it easier to give it another try. I know what I feel. My heart still beats for him. My feelings are still strong. And I know that whatever gain or lesson is meant to come from our story, I won’t have to live with a what-if.
My love for him has rendered me very weak. 7 years ago, I too was offered a second chance. I lied to some people, knowing that it broke their hearts. But instead of giving up on me, they tried even harder to help me. By not giving up on me, they taught me what unconditional love really is. And now I want to help my boyfriend. I love him, and I don’t want to throw it all away without giving it another try. I’m a firm believer of second chances. I put myself in his shoes, and realized that I would want a second chance too, a chance to prove that I could change. That’s what everyone deserves.
These weeks are difficult. Especially because I have to pretend to be fine. I have to smile at everyone at work. I haven’t told anyone about this, not even the closest friend I have, my mom. As much as I want to be heard and comforted, I don’t think I am ready yet to handle the advice coming from every one, blasting in my ears. For now, I just write down everything in my diary. So, this is also a way of venting out.
There’s always been an emotional block between us. Even before the incident, sometimes I felt like shaking him and saying “Open up! We’ve been together for 2 years and we’re going nowhere”. I want us to have a healthy open discussion to let bygones be bygones, figure out why the cheating happened, what led to it in the first place, how we both may have contributed to it, and about how we can avoid our relationship failings in the future. But I can’t do all the work in figuring out how to get our relationship back on track. He has to step up and work to make our relationship better.
Truth is, I am terrified we might never be able to get back what we had. Because, I don’t trust him anymore, and trust is such a large part of love. And it’s of course impossible to predict the future and know if settling down for a second time is 100% the right move. I’m risking it and I am scared.
If he does screw up again, I am confident I’ll be able to walk away from this with dignity, knowing that I gave it everything I could. Relationships take real effort, and I’m ready to get to work.